Evidence of Historical Zombie Attack at Hierakonpolis

sertsa writes "A tongue-in-cheek article just published by the Archaeological Institute of America hypothesizes that the formation of ancient Egypt is linked to recurrent Predynastic zombie attacks due to outbreaks of Solanum virus. 'From the very beginning of Predynastic research, Sir W.M. Flinders Petrie reported several headless, but seemingly intact, burials during his famous excavations at Naqada in 1895. Further excavations at Gerzeh and other sites revealed more of these curious burials, but no satisfactory explanation could be proposed at the time. More recently, excavations in the non-elite cemetery at Hierakonpolis (HK43), undertaken from 1996 to 2004, have uncovered more of these strange headless burials in addition to 21 individuals whose cervical vertebrae bear cut marks indicative of complete decapitation. The individuals include men and women ranging in age from 16 to 65. The number and the standard position of the cut marks (usually on the second-fourth cervical vertebrae; always from the front) indicate an effort far greater than that needed simply to cause the death of a normal (uninfected) person. The standard position also indicates these are not injuries sustained during normal warfare.'"

Everyone knows it was not zombie attacks

[WillAffleckUW (858324)]

The problem is that the scientist incorrectly classified these as zombie attacks.

Everyone with an ounce of scientific training can tell that these were actually attacks by ninja pirates, and that the vampire zombies were defending the inhabitants.

Re:

[ILuvRamen (1026668)]

No no no, let's be logical here. It's much more likely that some idiot ruler just was afraid of zombies so he had every dead person's head cut off...by Anubis jackals with sickles like in Age of Mythology.

Re:Everyone knows it was not zombie attacks

[by Anonymous Coward]

Everyone with an ounce of scientific training can tell that these were actually attacks by ninja pirates, and that the vampire zombies were defending the inhabitants.

"Ninja pirates" is an oxymoron. Ninjas and pirates mix like oil and water. Pirates are holy creatures [wellingtongrey.net]. Ninjas are devil spawn [wikipedia.org]. Pirates like water (except for bathing). Ninjas are landlubbers. Pirates say 'arr matey.' Ninjas don't say a single Goddamn thing. They are nothing alike! You could try sewing (or bolting) two together but they would soon kill each other--the pirate killing the ninja with his stench and the ninja killing the pirate with throwing stars.

reminds me of.....

[edwardpickman (965122)]

It reminds me of a classic The Onion story about evidence of a race of a skeletons found all over the world. I'm sure creationist would see evidence of a race of skeletons being proof that evolution was false since there is no way a race of skeletons could evolve.

Re:reminds me of.....

[phoebusQ (539940)]

That has to be the hardest I've ever seen someone work to fit an anti-religion message into a post.

Re:reminds me of.....

[VultureMN (116540)]

Anti-creationist != anti-religion

I'm not religious, but am not bothered by people who are.

But creationists annoy the living shit out of me because of the tortured "logic" they try to use while attempting to justify their belief that the earth is only 6000 years old.

Young earth

[CustomDesigned (250089)]

6000 years != Creationist

The young earth theory isn't even classic Christianity [entouch.net], having become popular in the US in the 18th century. The church fathers had a variety of theories, and literally counting the years was a 17th century invention [wikipedia.org]. Augustine noted that time as we know it is itself part of this creation, and therefore the 6 days in Genesis 1 could not refer to time in this universe. He speculated that the 6 days were a 6 day "seminar" where the new creation was was presented and explained to the angels [rtforum.org].

Re:Young earth

[Penguinshit (591885)]

We're the result of a 6 day Powerpoint presentation??!?

That sure explains a few things...

Re:Young earth

[Opportunist (166417)]

Now everything makes sense!

I mean, look at it. First day, light and darkness, works fine. Reason? Angels were fresh and actually listening.

And from there on it went downhill, right to the 6th day with human. Now tell me, can you sit through 6 days of a boring presentation? I'm fairly sure by the end of the 5th day, every Angel was just sitting there doodling.

Re:Young earth

[OzRoy (602691)]

That does explain the dangly bits.

Re:Young earth

[CustomDesigned (250089)]

While your premise is true, you missed the point that our time is part of the creation - or in computer terms it is simulation time. Simulation time is neither longer nor shorter than time in the host machine/universe. You can run the simulation/virtual machine fast or slow or backward or forward, or restore to a checkpoint. "But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day..." (2Peter 3:8,10).

Re:huh?

[WilliamSChips (793741)]

No, people wanting power is the single largest cause of human suffering. Religion is merely the single largest catalyst of human suffering. There's a difference, you know.

Re:

[smitty_one_each (243267)]

Been watching this skeleton race a real long time now.
Them bones don' be movin'.
Mebbe some more tequilya.

Re:reminds me of.....

[aled (228417)]

I'm sure creationist would see evidence of a race of skeletons being proof that evolution was false since there is no way a race of skeletons could evolve.

That's ludicrous! There's plenty of factual evidence that shows the evolutions of hominid skeleton evolution [berkeley.edu] into human skeleton. Curiously they seem to have inhabited the same places that hominid and humans, but there's not yet enough scientific evidence to prove this theory.

Re:reminds me of.....

[aled (228417)]

Go ahead, be the reproductive-system-nazi of this thread if you want. But first answer these questions: If skeletons can't reproduce, why can we find so many of them buried? Where Skeletor does came from? Army of Darkness was better than Evil Dead II?

Re:reminds me of.....

[DigitalWallaby (853269)]

Skeletons reproduce by jumping each others bones.

Re:

[TitusC3v5 (608284)]

Somebody call Al Gore so we can give this man his new Internet.

Re:

[sconeu (64226)]

Are we sure that this isn't a Sluggy Freelance [sluggy.com] plug?

PLEASE!

[williamyf (227051)]

Stop taking part in intrigue campaings for the next VideoGame/Movie/Book/TVSeries

Also, no inside jokes from scientists. After Gary Larson, none of that is allowed anymore.

Mod me as you like!

hmm

[User 956 (568564)]

I don't know why everyone hates on zombies. I mean, zombies were people too.

Re:hmm

[CaptainPatent (1087643)]

Isn't it obvious!?

Anyone with half a brain, well...
is probably being attacked by a zombie.

Re:

[by Anonymous Coward]

I hate zombies because they use phrases like "The number and the standard position of the cut marks (usually on the second-fourth cervical vertebrae; always from the front) indicate an effort far greater than that needed simply to cause the death of a normal (uninfected) person."

I mean, normal people don't talk like that.

Eh???

[Savage-Rabbit (308260)]

I don't know why everyone hates on zombies. I mean, zombies were people too.

What makes you think we hate corporate workers and civil servants??

Re:

[geekoid (135745)]

You know, I wrote 350 lines of code today, had a 4 hour meeting where we busted chops to get some programs improved, and this afternoon I get to review the results from Point to point testing.

As a civil servant, I'm supposed to be doing nothing! just ask anybody.

Yes I know someone will point out I'm on slashdot, but I do get a lunch period.

Proof?

[Enderandrew (866215)]

We all know that zombies tend to gravitate towards malls, or high school proms and such. If they found headless remains outside a prehistoric shopping mall, then I'd be convinced.

Im guessing

[falcon5768 (629591)]

this is a underground campaign for World War Z the Movie?

Re:

[bigdavesmith (928732)]

I'm really surprised that there are so many joke comments to this, and not more posts where people are upset that this is passing for news at /.

Lurch post

[Harmonious Botch (921977)]

This lends new meaning to the phrase "walk like an Egyptian"

Re:

[ScrewMaster (602015)]

Okay, you nailed my funnybone on that one.

Re:

[mkiwi (585287)]

Hey, they could have been doing the Thriller dance.

Preceding the zombie attacks

[by Anonymous Coward]

Was a mass distribution scrolls that promised a nude painting of Cleopatra, but was merely a tax bill infected with a virus.

French Revolution

[Aaron Denney (123626)]

Hey, I bet this could also explain the heavy use of the guillotine during the French revolution.

I for one . . .

[GwaihirBW (1155487)]

welcome our new zombie underlings! . . . I feel kinda dirty now.

Huh?...

[schmu_20mol (806069)]

Well, just to get this somewhat straight. Solanum is a 'large' organism of a plant/vine/small tree, so we are basically talking about your run of the mill tomatoes and potatoes here (yes, I already hear those zombie biologists heaving stones towards me). So, the next question is what the solanum virus would be ... fiction, just have a look at 'The Zombie Survival Guide' by Max Brooks. I think I'll just have to get me some strong liquor and reread that story again ... kind of, hilarious.

TFA is hilarious

[steveha (103154)]

If you enjoy understated, dry humor, go read the article. It's wonderful.

"While it is an attractive idea, no serious archaeologist would hang their fedora on it without further evidence." Sure; every serious archaeologist wears an Indiana Jones hat, goes without saying.

"Overall, those with cut marks represent less than 4% of the cemetery's population. Thus, one might suggest that the threat of zombification was relatively low, and those manifesting the disease were dealt with swiftly (though in some cemeteries evidence for cannibalism has also been found suggesting that one or two got a good meal first)." It goes on to suggest that the need for swift anti-zombie action may have led to the early invention of government by kings.

If zombies re-emerge as a threat in modern times: "Almost certainly the first sign of infection will come from the Hierakonpolis team. [...] The unfortunate side effect of the infection starting within this specialized group of researchers is that they are generally the least squeamish about decapitation duty. I know for a fact that Sean Dougherty, a physical anthropologist with extensive experience at the site, wouldn't hesitate to lop off the head of any member of the team at any time, and for any reason."

Go read it!

http://www.archaeology.org/online/features/hierakonpolis/zombies.html [archaeology.org]

steveha

Missing brainzzz...

[flyingfsck (986395)]

"So I saw the fictitious Solanum virus in the missing brain of a headless mummy." Said the blind man to his deaf daughter standing in the corner of the round hut.

Oi! I'm not a virus!!

[solanum (80810)]

Cheeky sods.

Re:

[EvilIdler (21087)]

Yes, just like the article says :)

Re:

[jonfr (888673)]

Zombies took over the White House in 2001.

Re:I read this in the Zombie Survival Handbook

[mrt181 (1078455)]

you are wrong, oil-thirsty vampires took over the white house in 2001

Re:I read this in the Zombie Survival Handbook

[Opportunist (166417)]

Hey, just because a zombie is a brainless being doesn't mean every brainless being already deserves being called a zombie!

In the name of our zombie brethern I resent them being lumped together with the bunch that currently runs the US! They already got so much bad press, they really don't deserve that.

Re:What's the deal with this?

[Dunbal (464142)]

Plus the site TFA is hosted on is apparently a publication from The Archaeological Institute of America...??

      October, Halloween. Even archaeologists have a sense of humor. Get one today!

Re:

[ben0207 (845105)]

Well, of course the article is a bit old. They are an Archeology Magazine, after all.

Re:

[geekoid (135745)]

A) It's Zombies
B) There have been several Zombie books of some geek notoriety
C) (this one might be hard for you to grasp) some people where just having a good time and being a little silly. It's almost like there was some event that involved monsters and zombie around this time of year.

Re:

[Not_Wiggins (686627)]

I can see why you're offended.
With a handle such as "necro2607," you must be one of the undead insulted by this fiction about your heredity.

Zombies are all around us. I see them all the time working at the local movie theaters taking tickets, making telemarketing calls about vitamin supplements, or even working diligently in bureaucratic jobs (such as secretaries in college financial-aid offices).

Be dead! Be proud!
   

Re:

[jamrock (863246)]

Uhh, am I just missing something here?

Your sense of humor, apparently. Lighten up, Francis.

Re:

[dameron (307970)]

Lighten up Nancy, with a name like necro2607 [slashdot.org] (771790) you're not fooling anybody...

You're prolly knee-deep in the juju swapping war stories with the Dru Naju.

Re:What's the deal with this?

[evilviper (135110)]

Uhh, am I just missing something here? Is this article a joke?

No, it's not a joke. It's 100% serious. That's why it was posted under the category "It's funny. Laugh." and the first few words of the summary are "A tongue-in-cheek article".

That's the sign of a dead-serious story right there.

Re:

[PPH (736903)]

Remove the head or destroy the brain!

That doesn't always work. Karl Rove is gone and yet our administration still lurches along.

Re:

[glittalogik (837604)]

You must be new here.