Ask Internet Expert Dave Barry

This is a man who obviously knows a lot about the Internet. I am not making this up. He wrote a book about it. He has his own blog, his own Web site, and his own online alt.fan newsgroup with its own FAQ. Not only that, he is in a band and writes a syndicated humor column that often covers matters of interest to Slashdot readers. What are you going to ask him? Up to you, as long as you hold it down to one question per post. We'll send Dave 10 of the highest-moderated questions and post his answers as soon as we get them back, after which we're sure many alert readers will have much to add even if they haven't heard about Bennett Haselton's excellent automated Dave Barry column generator.

Shouldn't that be ...

[burgburgburg]

syndicated "humor" column?

What does Dave think about...

[MadCow-ard]

The Tooth phone [time.com]. I would just love to hear (arh arh) his take on it.

Slashdot Effect

[Shadow Wrought]

Do you think that the phrase "Slashdot Effect" would make a great name for a band?

Pop Tart Flamethrowers

[govtcheez]

I've read your various comlumns on how to turn an ordinary toaster into a flamethrower using only a strawberry Pop-Tart. I think there's a large market for this - would you be interested in mass producing pastry-powered weapons with me? If you're against the idea of creating weapons, do you know how we could make the flame-throwing toaster into something else useful, perhaps having welding applications? I think it's safe to say a successful New Economy will be based upon Pop-Tarts, and we should really move to it before it's too late.

Dave? Who he?

[u38cg]

Who the f*** are you? I mean, I don't think of mysel;f as being stupid or anything, but I've never heard of you. Why are you being interviewed on Slashdot, as opposed to, say, my uncle Simon?

Status of low-flow toilet legislation?

[Anonymous Coward]

Dave, what is the status of your brave and lonely campaign to rescind the low-flow toilet legislation?

Band names

[Rellik66]

or how about 'CmdrTaco and the Slashdotters'?

Question

[niom]

Why do you use italics so much?

I have another question....

[Bendebecker]

Seeing how he's now dead, do you think we have seen the end of Dick Nixon's political career?

Re:Shouldn't that be ...

[cloudmaster]

Only if you're lacking a sense of "humor". :)

Internet supplies dwindling!

[gornar]

Sure, Bush is passing hundreds of millions of dollars for research into hydrogen fuel cell technology to halt dependence on oil. But what about experts' [peta.org] claims that supplies of The Internet will run dry by 2018? Do you, as America's foremost lobbyist to Congress, know of any pending legislation to address this threat?

Re:Dave? Who he?

[volpe]

Why are you being interviewed on Slashdot, as opposed to, say, my uncle Simon?

You think Dave should be interviewed on your uncle Simon?

Yet another question:

[Bendebecker]

Have you ever had to describe your Internet persona? For example, when someone asks you at a party about what you do on the web, do you say something like "Yeah, I'm the Captain Kirk of the Internet!"?

Questions for the Expert

[theghost]

Dave - I keep hearing people complain about "privacy issues" when they talk about the internet. Since you're an Expert, i thought i'd ask you about it. What are these "privacy issues" and should we be worried about them?

I also wanted to ask about SPAM, since you are an Expert. I got lots of neat offers for goods and services every day, from sexually adventurous women (and men, and women and men, and animals, and women and animals, and men and animals, and women and men and animals, and turnips, and - you get the picture) to desperate Nigerians who need help moving their family fortunes out of their war-torn country. But i've never received any SPAM. What is SPAM (besides a tasty treat) and why is everyone always complaining about it?

One final question. You are an Expert who is in a band and has been involved with movies. Are the RIAA and MPAA really a bunch of soul-sucking ghouls whose Machiavellian business practices enslave artists and consumers alike just so that the top executives can buy new multi-million-dollar penises (penisii?) - i mean - homes and cars, or are they a bunch of fun-loving nuts who just want people to enjoy high-quality art (like the sci-fi thriller, "Jason X", and the equally astounding, "Britney Spears' Breasts") at a reasonable price, so they can devote their much-deserved income to feeding the hungry, and promoting liberty and justice for all?

Shameless (yet really totally sincere) brown nosing: DAVE BARRY RULEZ!

Is this research?

[duckpoopy]

Are you going to reprint the stupidest questions in your column?

Question

[Jim Buzbee]

Are you making these questions up?

Government

[cpeikert]

Dave,

you've written many hilarious columns about the foibles of the Federal Government. Isn't this like shooting fish in a barrel?

music with Stephan King?

[evenprime]

What's it like playing in a band with Stephan King? Is he always trying to change the set list at gigs and replace 'Louie Louie' with goth music?

Re:Who are we?

[Mr Guy]

Also, if you respond to this interview while drunk, is there the dangerous possibility your drinks would be tax deductable?

Urinals

[Kaz Riprock]

If there are 4 urinals in the bathroom and I number them from the left, assuming that 1 and 3 are in use, which urinal should I use to abide by the rules?

Re:What do you want to be when you grow up?

[Anonymous Coward]

<Jeff Foxworthy>

If you've ever wished you could include HTML tags in your speech.... ...you might be a slashdork.

</Jeff Foxworthy>

It's me, Dave

[digitalhermit]

Dave:
You should remember me. I'm the guy that shook hands with you that day, two years ago, during the Tropic Hunt in Hollywood. You also signed the napkin I found near the garbage can. I know that it was a clue, but I don't understand why you didn't mention it when you read off the official answers to the Hunt. Clearly the contents were a reference to your many columns on boogers. I still have that napkin and will return it to as soon as you send me your home address.

Anyway, my question is:
How has your life changed since you won a Pullet Surprise? Is the fame and money and gorgeous babes throwing themselves at your feet worth it?

Kwan

PS How much do I need to pay you to get my name in one of your next columns?

Re:Questions for the Expert

[theghost]

Yes, i know, "one question per post." You can either pick your favorite or you can just assume that this is my real question:

Dave - I think you're pretty funny and i think i'm pretty funny. This is me trying to be funny. Would you please try to be funny in response to this?

Joke Tracking Center

[long_john_stewart_mi]

In "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits", there was an column entitled "Public-Spirited Citizens Such As You" where you talk about a joke that answers the question, "Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed 'Fritz'?" You ask that everybody write in to The Joke Tracking Center as soon as they hear the joke. I haven't heard the joke, and that question has been keeping me up all night for the past 10 years. Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed Fritz? Also, does The Joke Tracking Center employ bad joke/pun writers? My dad is currently unemployed, and I'm sure he would fit right in.

Barry family dog failover policy

[Anonymous Coward]

You've made numerous mentions throughout your writings that you have a large main dog and an emergency backup dog. Given the failure rate of dogs, do you think this is a good policy? How do you handle situations where both dogs fail simultaneously? How many dogs would you have to own in order to maintain a minimum of one functional dog for a period of eight hours?

Also: Have you considered a Beowulf cluster of dogs?

Corruption in Miami City Government

[Nova Express]

Dear Dave,
Once you characterized Miami's endemic corruption (and here I would like to note that Endemic Corruption is a good name for a rock band) was so pervasive that Miami would benefit by being taken over by the Mafia, since then at least COMPETENT criminals would be running the city. In light of that, I'd like to ask you: What's the strangest thing you've ever lit on fire?

Whoops, sorry, that was the FBI Carnovore guys monitoring my computer who slipped that last one in. (Motto: "You're Not Authorized to Know Our Motto.") No, the real question is, has Miami's corruption gotten better or worse since you wrote that, and what would you and Carl Hiaasen do if Miami eliminated its Supersized Corruption and merely went with the Small Corruption with Fries enjoyed by other large American cities?

Inquiring minds

[LittleGuy]

What, exactly, is "The WeeWee of Triumph" [thehollandsentinel.net], and when shall we see it next?

Your Slashdot Profile

[scruffy]

Do you prefer KDE or GNOME?

Do you have a broadband connection? Do you have a wireless network?

Do you think RMS is the messiah or a Communist? Do you spell Linux "GNU/Linux"?

Do you prefer the GPL or BSD license?

Do you think Microsoft is evil? Do you think Bill Gates is the devil personified?

BTW, the correct answer to all of the above questions is yes.

Losing mindshare

[wcbarksdale]

In my local paper, they replaced your column with one about sex. Have you considered the possibility of broadening your appeal by including weekly advice on cunnilingus?

Re:Shouldn't that be ...

[Anonymous Coward]

...fun with the automated Dave Barry column generator [peacefire.org].

Recently in Slashdot (motto: "CmdrTaco always posts duplicates"), residents reported an outbreak of trolls. Perhaps you think there are no trolls in Slashdot. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: "In Soviet Russia, other people insult YOU!!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Anonymous Coward., whose name can be rearranged to spell "ADNROANWYOMCO US", although that is not my main point. "Anonymous Coward", by the way, only has the letters "Naked and Petrified" in in common with "Alyssa Milano", so there is no other reason to mention Alyssa Milano in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Slashdot Mayor CowboyNeal (formally "Mayor CowboyNeal" and informally "G-Dog"), trolls ranks as a major crisis just behind fear, anger and hate (insert your "dark side" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Slashdot government employees:

FIRST SLASHDOT POSTER: "Imagine a beowulf cluster of those!"

SECOND SLASHDOT POSTER: "Mod parent +5 (Insightful)."

THIRD SLASHDOT POSTER: "Mod parent down."

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor G-Dog, and that is: take away George Steinbrenner's computer.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's computer, although it might involve laughing at Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "solving", and de grace, meaning "problems". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

1. 1. Sell free software to rich kids for $1/byte.

1. 2. ...

1. 3. Profit!

But instead the Slashdot city council (motto: "We'll help people when you pry the TPS report out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the trolls) will always post off topic soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "First Post!".

Speaking of which, "The Slashdot Trolls Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.

Important Question! Enquiring Minds Want to Know

[ice cream koan]

Seriously, Dave, who cuts your hair? Beavers?

Re:Pop Tart Flamethrowers

[Autonymous Toaster]

Mr. Barry,

Like others, I have heard of your Pop Tart experiments, and I was quite distressed by them. Since your first mention of this subject was (I believe) some years ago in

• Dave Barry in Cyberspace

, I'm curious to know whether you've since renounced your toastercidal ways. Do you now have remorse for the harm you've done and the example you've set for the children of the world?

Question.

[grub]

Mr. Barry,

There have been monumental events during which people can recall exactly where they were when the incident happened. Notable examples include:

- The JFK assassination
- The moon landing
- The Challenger and Columbia incidents

My question is: where were you when Al Gore invented the Internet?

It depends.

[An Onerous Coward]

If you're:

a) very secure and self-confident.
b) late for a meeting.
c) about to explode.

Then it is permissible to use #4 (assuming that no toilet stalls are open). Just remember that people will assume you are:

d) not a heterosexual.*

However, if you do not fit the first three criteria, you are required to stand back and wait for either urinals 1 or 3 to open up, while not actually looking like you're waiting. It is recommended that you use either the Handwashing Feint or the Hair Check Gambit. Your bathroom peers will assume you are either a hypochondriac or really vain, but either is preferable to looking like you're too chicken to just march up into the line.

Under NO condition are you allowed to use urinal #3.

I hope this clears up your question.

* Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Re:Is this research?

[Anonymous Coward]

Only if they're from people with inane names.

Dear Mr. Language Person

[Anonymous Coward]

Which of the following is correct?

1. Jeez, Gomer! That thar Slammer worm shure could taked down a lot o' them thar servers!

2. Heavens, Gomer! Perhaps we should apply SP3 expeditiously to out SQL Server!

3. DuD3! Y0U'v3 b33N $Ql 5l@mM3D!

priorities

[syle]

Leave it to slashdot to mention someone's blog, newsgroup, and peronsonal FAQ before the fact that they have a nationally syndicated humor column read by millions weekly.

Re:Band names

[Ponty]

I really dig Goatse & The Trolls. It has a cool '50s ring and verbal rhythm that strongly suggests Josie and the Pussycats. Well done!

Just between you and me...

[BornInASmallTown]

When you say you're not making this up, are you making it up?

C'mon Dave, you can tell me.

Stupid newspaper names

[cpeikert]

The two funniest newspaper names that Dave has ever mentioned in his columns (I swear, I am not making these up):

The "St. Louis Post-Dispatch" (as in, "Harlin's ferret really went crazy when it got stuck in his Post-Dispatch"), and the "Portland Oregonian" (as in, "That email promised to increase the size of my Oregonian!").

Compared to those, the "Kalamazoo Gazette" sounds about as normal as The New York Times.

Re:Shouldn't that be ...

[Anonymous Coward]

MOD parent down!

weinermobile

[Anonymous Coward]

This is Jack Valenti's personal secretary. He is seeking a more fitting mode of transportation for a man of his stature. How exactly did you get permission to ride in the weinermobile [frivolity.com]? Thank you for your time.

The poop factor

[moc.tfosorcimgllib]

As long as humans must defecate, and they do so in a civilized manner at work, a room that is built to echo any noise as loudly as possible, the newspaper is essential. As nice and convenient as reading a newspaper on a laptop is, it will never be as comfortable an emergency "wiper" as the new york post.

I think a better question to ask Mr. Baily (May I call you that Dave?) would be to inquire his stance on giving away content versus charging for it.

I'm not talking just monetary compensation either. For example, you can contribute a non-contrite view to a conversation, you get the content for a reduced or free fee.
Oh, and Dale, I am truly your largest fan.

Dear Mr. Barry,

[Snork Asaurus]

Despite my best efforts, I own many of your books, read your weekly columns, have several low-flow toilets and twice as many plungers. I also have the mp3's of your band "The Rock Bottom Remainders" from mp3.com. You might want to consider the name "The Low Flow Remainders" if you get my drift (and I am certainly tired of getting it). By the way, "Tupperware Blues" smokes - were you on vacation that day?

And (I am not making this up) I used to own a copy of the LP (note to Slashdotters-look "LP" up in your history books) by your original band "The Federal Duck" which I kept it in my garden shed to scare the spiders away. I had to get rid of the LP because my neighbors kept complaining that it was keeping their property values down so, 10 years ago, I gave it to a deeply disturbed record collector friend of mine. Ever since, the shed has been infested with spiders and my friend has refused to talk to me.

As you can see, my life is hell and most roads lead back to you. You will be hearing from my lawyers.

Now that that is out the way, I'd like to ask you the following:

Do you think that low-flow toilets are a terrorist device (possibly developed in France) and on a related note that Bush and the Saddam Destroyers would be a good name for a rock band?

Re:When you vote....

[hedgefrog]

He's from South Florida, he doesn't know who he voted for.

Re:Band names

[Jeff Binder]

Just try to avoid looking at the cover of their CD.

dissenting opinion

[SubtleNuance]

Can someone please tell me why they enjoy Dave Berry's work?

I was given a copy of the DB book mentioned above -- from a nongeek friend -- because it was 'sooo funny'. I have tried many times to read it. I know DB is a fairly popular writer, and having managed to mildly enjoy some of his short articles - i tried again recently... its just not working for me.

I find DBs humour sophomoric, trite and obvious. The smug literary equivalent of Martha Stewart, I found the work to be like the film "Dumb and Dummer" in print. Funny like a fart in church, DB must appeal to those who need their witticisms spoon fed to them.

Im sorry for having to dissent here, but to those who havnt read Dave Berry: I suggest you keep it that way.

Kevin

[djupedal]

Dave: How funny do you think it is that Kevin Mitnick has blown off /.'s request for Q & A?

Re:Question:

[Auriam]

Better still.. wireless online 3d voting porn! Finally, a cure for voter apathy!

My Question's

[DeborahArielPickett]

Dave,

I was going to ask how you get your ideas for your columns. But after this whole Slashdot "Ask Dave Barry" thing is over, I figure you'll probably have enough high-quality material to last months.

When you inevitably write a Miami Herald column about how weird we all are, will you please have Mister Language Person explain to Slashdotters about exactly how to use apostrophes' (I'm sorry, I mean "apostrophe's") correctly?

Thank's.

Alert Reader Debbie.

So...

[technomom]

What IS it about North Dakota that's so darned funny anyway?

Parenthood

[de_boer_man]

Dave, how has (PUT THAT DOWN!) parenthood changed (STOP BURNING YOUR BROTHER!) your humor and (DON'T EAT THAT! IT'S STILL CRAWLING!) your outlook on (WHERE'S MY VALIUM???) life?