Hall Of Technical Documentation Weirdness

An anonymous reader submits: "Generally speaking, with the exception of Tina on Dilbert, technical writers aren't very funny. This is something of a rare and unintentional exception. This guy has assembled a bunch of examples of bizarre technical illustration. There's only about 15 at the moment, but he's collecting further examples."

Others

[L-s-L69]

To go with... McDonalds coffee: "May be hot." Ready meals: "Remove plastic before cooking" Nitol (sleep tablets) "May cause drowsyness" Laxitives "exessive consumption may produce laxitive effect." The list is endless.

THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[wheany]

Might contain traces of funny.

i know

[mothrathegreat]

since noone seems to find it funny I guess we ought to slashdot it

Only about 15 ?!

[itsme1234]

There are 12 exhibits, they're even numbered if you can't count to 12 ...

---
"There's only about 15 at the moment, but he's collecting further examples."
---

REFUND!

[Anonymous Coward]

This article sucks

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Full force and effect

[EmagGeek]

Holy Slashdot, Batman! There's smoke coming out of our webserver!

Oh where can I find....

[ThosLives]

A picture of my favorite:

On a Caterpillar trench digger, there was this funny picture of a NO sign around a chainsaw looking thing and a caption that said, "Engage crowd control before operating".

because-trench-diggers-control-crowds

japanese toilets

[bobba22]

I don't know how many other people out there have experienced Japanese toilets, but let me tell you, you don't need an instruction manual, you need someone to come and show you how to use those things. You don't wanna be pressing the wrong button at the wrong time, I can assure you from personal experience, makes my eyes water just thinking about it.

I used to like the japanese...

[BadSeqtor]

...but now I'm not that sure [hellonavi.com] any more...

More like this..

[edwilli]

I guess I expected something more like.

this [roxormedia.com]

And

this [roxormedia.com]

Example from the food industry

[kevinbarsby]

Seen on a packet of "Salted Peanuts" in a pub in the UK "May contain traces of nuts" You'd kinda hope so wouldn't you

Re:Others

[91degrees]

Peanuts - "May contain peanuts". I really like the lack of certainty with this one.

Best Quote hidden

[the_pooh_experience]

So Most /. won't get this because it requires loading a highrez image, but on the Dragonball Z toy that hangs from the ceiling and 'flys' in circles on a string, it is poorly translated from presumably fomr east-asian country... The warnings read:

1. With appertain rotor of screw setting pre ceiling on the under standing that screw no wield. May wield two-faced, pressboard securing, wield pre to begin with wiping ceiling of bilge dasto.
2. Thread of length need half as many again as tad.
3. Open toy of batteries shuck. Verification batteries.+,- whereafter stow down,to a certainty need locknat lest take place accident.
4. Hook through toys apside of hole.
5. Needs switches shoving NO,for pre arrows specifing of orention shiving.Packing it up time,withbold toy pate need switches shoving OFF.

• Prythee no sport with stingy of play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Throagh of peril. (bold my addition)
• Tad disport of time grown man tatelage.
• Till thge cowcomes home. Wield toys damage, burn-in prytheee wind to a close wield.
• Give attention to open/close toys, therefore take place peril.for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.vent itself prythee pay attention.
• Play at sith to a certainty bolt up power supply fetch out batteries.
• Batteries no electification dissolution,plunge ioto aquaor fire.
• Not trust for tad batteries lest in advertent eat off. In the event of accident without loss of time plythee pillroller tuke order with.

I am not the best typist, but most of the weird spellings above are in the actual warnings. The original may be found here [darrenbarefoot.com]. I wonder if they will ever take the word "prythee" out of their translation dictionary.

Re:Only about 15 ?!

[Anonymous Coward]

That's an example of funny technical documentation. I'd laugh if my new Dell came with:

"About one optical drive"

"About 518MB RAM"

"About a 17" monitor"

"About one keyboard"

Re:Others

[JanneM]

Actually, Ie done that with a pizza. It came in a sort of plastic tray with a tear-off plastic cover. The instructions was to "remove the cover and put the pizza in the oven". I was tired, unfocused (and had had quite a few beers), so I removed the plastic cover, and put the pizza in the oven - still in the plastic tray.

It takes quite a bit of work to get rid of melted, burnt, pizza-flavoured plastic from an oven.

Re:i know

[Anonymous Coward]

Done.

Re:Others

[Yxes]

it's in our speech everday though.

"I found it in the last place that I looked"
- why would you keep looking?

"needless to say"
- then why say it?

"no offense but..."
- you know you're about to be offended

"new and improved"
- if it's new? how can you improve it?

"save money by purchasing..."
- really?

on a tv ad for bioflex
"to loose the weight you need to add muscle..."
- really?

this list too is endless...

Re:Others

[Anonymous Coward]

My favorite was the warning on children's cough syrup to "not operate heavy equipment or drive". They may have removed the warning by now; my youngest child is 22 now.

Re:THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[marcop]

Since this article lacks any humor, maybe we should start posting some funny signs/symbols of our own. Here is a link to some funny swat team hand jestures:
[xbox-scene.com]
http://forums.xbox-scene.com/index.php?act=ST&f= 19 &t=92950&s=56a40001faa4bd14000861cbfa22fc0 2

I ran across a site containing funny interpretations of airplane safety literature but I couldn't find it at the moment.

Re:Others

[MikeCT]

From an IBM manual: "The difference between a database management system and other systems is that a database management system helps manage the database for you ...."

An here's a comment taken from a COBOL program I once had to maintain. It actually does make sense if you manage to guess the right punctuation:
"If not amending after total blank lines are shuffled up after total blanked lines are left blank in table to avoid shuffling."

The site's slashdotted, so here's my favourite

[Zog The Undeniable]

When the zippotricks website was taken off the Net this week, they posted the amusing disclaimer, "A lighted lighter is hot and can start a fire or burn people."

Re:japanese toilets

[DrSkwid]

If it made your eyes water you *were* doing somthing wrong.

I prefered it when it watered other parts of my anatomy.

And the Japanese are totally on the ball with this one, having warm water sprayed on my ass was the highlight of my overnight stay.

Re:THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[Heywood Yabuzof]

Here you go. [airtoons.com]

Pasta Maker

[ArmenTanzarian]

My buddy's Mom bought a pasta maker once and for some reason he had watched the instructional video that came with the thing. The video was completely normal except for the narrator, who kept making extremely sarcastic comments about the product and the video itself.

Examples:
There was a woman performing the things as he said them. He introduced her by saying, "Jane, who told us on her resume that her hobbies were stroking kitchen appliances."
And he referred to a metal measuring cup as, "A space age one-of-a-kind measuring tool"

Japanese Trough Dump?

[tds67]

I must admit, the motorcycle-style position while dumping is probably more natural, but it does seem strange after being taught the Western-style method of dropping your kids off at the pool.

Not funny, but I have something better...

[heironymouscoward]

Anyone who laughs at "insert trousers" needs to readjust their sense of humour.

Now, in a club in Lagos Nigeria (the bar is called Towers, a nice place on Victoria Island), there is a sign above the urinals, which says:

"Employees must wash genitals before returning to work"

I just wish I'd had my camera with me, but you will have to take my word for it.

Redundant instructions

[kefoo]

My dad was once assembling a new riding lawnmower. He had to open the box to get the instructions. Step one in the manual was to open the box.

Of course,..

[mistermund]

We all know it doesn't hurt to throw a few technical illustrations into papers we may be writing...

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail64.html [homestarrunner.com]

Re:More like this..

[edwilli]

oops [roxormedia.com]

Re:Not funny, but I have something better...

[sg3000]

> in a club in Lagos Nigeria (the bar is called Towers, a nice
> place on Victoria Island), there is a sign above the
> urinals, which says: "Employees must wash genitals
> before returning to work"

> I just wish I'd had my camera with me, but you will have
> to take my word for it.

Funny sign, but my suggestion is that you don't try to take a camera into a public restroom, snapping pictures while standing at the urinal and snickering to yourself.

Just a friendly Slashdot public service announcement!

Worst article ever.

[Cigarra]

I mean it.

Mouse Balls Memo

[w.p.richardson]

MEMO: If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement,the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

More Mockery

[batkins]

Some friends and I came up with this [batkins.com]. It's based on the signs that used to be available at ready.gov.

Translation fun

[Paisley Phrog]

Most of my favorite examples are as a result of a poor translation...

From instructions for a plastic puzzle ball that comes apart into 8 pieces, to be reassambled:

"DECOMPOSITION FUN BALL. TAKE PIECES APART. TRY TO PUT BACK TOGETHER. NOW YOU CAN HAVE HOURS OF DECOMPOSITION FUN!"

(No cemetery required.)

And another one, which actually is technical writing of a sort; those instructions from the back of a pack of chopsticks at a Chinese buffet. For the most part, they're pretty good, but I like the last instruction, after telling you how to manipulate them:

"4. NOW YOU CAN PICK UP ANYTHING"

Haven't tested that bold assertion on cars or women, yet.

Here's something actually funny

[Dr. Manhattan]

And nearly germane. The error messages for the Apple MPW C compiler [macfreek.nl].

For example:

• a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program
• Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)
• can't go mucking with a 'void *'

Plenty more goodies! Somebody had some fun writing those error messages...

This page left blank

[SuperBanana]

Years ago while helping my high school with some card-catalog software, I was flipping through the manual and saw:

THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

My first thought was "god, what a bunch of anal-retentive...." So I continued reading, and almost didn't notice that the next blank(or not blank) page was:

THIS PAGE ALSO INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

I smirked a little, and read on. It kept getting better though:

YES, THIS PAGE -ALSO- INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

THIS PAGE SHOULD NOT BE LEFT BLANK. OOPS, JUST KIDDING.

etc. etc...they obviously had some fun with that one, realizing just how stupid those messages are and poking fun at it.

It's almost as good as the Irix workstation which was donated to the HS...it would get increasingly cross if it found someone else was using its IP, and the logs would look something like this:

Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is still using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is STILL using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... IS STILL USING MY IP ADDRESS GOD DAMMIT!

(I don't remember the exact wording, but yes, it would finally start cursing mildly).

Dell Midtowers

[Gizzmonic]

I wish I still had the instruction manual that came with my girlfriend's old Dell mid tower (Pentium MMX model that came out in about 1997).

It had a screwless door that you could remove to add RAM and expansion cards. The instruction manual illustrated how to remove the door: one hand on each side to press the catches down, and one hand to push the door off. That's right, three hands to open your computer. And the illustration actually showed three hands!

I actually pinned the picture on my dorm bulletin board, and holding it up as an example of terrible industrial design...but maybe it was just 'bizarre' and deserves to be on that site.

Re:Others

[CrazyTalk]

Don't feel bad. I once attempted to microwave a cheese sandwhich without removing the individual slices from their plastic wrap. The result? I giant plastic-and-cheese membrane covering the plate.

One time

[RightInTheNeck]

One time I helped put together a childrens jungle gym sorta deal. It came in a box about the size of a small Australian territory in about 367,894 seperate pieces. Being the men that we are and with the youngins watching in great awe we tossed the directions aside and dove in. After we finished we realized it looked like a scene from that movie "Labyrinth" and something was very very wrong. I picked up the directions finally and opened up to the first page and at the very top in really small print it said "Welcome back". Now I dont know if it was meant for another reason or it was the author being a smartass but it was damn funny at the time you had to be there I guess.

Shuttle Carrier Aircraft

[Feng]

On one of the carriers they use to ferry space shuttles around, there's a blindingly obvious sign written on one of the struts which reads "Place Orbiter Here... Black Side Down" [balettie.com]

:)

Re:Others

[kraksmoka]

i'm allergic to nuts, that just makes me str8. go figure

Re: Bizarre technical writing/writers

[Anonymous Coward]

We tech writers love words and dry humor, and are usually the first to laugh at such content. That is partly what keeps us smiling as we work with others' bulleted lists, brain-dumps of unpunctuated text, and illegible whiteboard diagrams! We laugh just as easily when our work is published in our managers' names or that of brilliant software developers who cannot generate a complete sentence. It's our nature and skill to communicate what matters and drop the rest. Others are often the source of such nonsense in "our" work.

Re:Others

[arth1]

My favourite is the one-ply blanket I have:
"Wash inside out with like colors".

Or the back massager that proclaims: "If any of the following symptoms occur, please discontinue use", and then lists a whole bunch of symptoms, including drowsiness, soreness, fatigue and DEATH.

And here I thought the whole purpose was to use it when stiff...

Regards,
--
*Art

Re:Oh where can I find....

[Jucius Maximus]

On a chainsaw instruction sheet that was poorly translated from swedish:

Do not stop the chain using your hands or gentials.

Technical writers aren't funny?

[Silverhammer]

What d'ya mean technical writers aren't funny? We have great senses of humor. How else could we tolerate working with engineers?

Re:Best Quote hidden

[NoData]

Prythee no sport with stingy of play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Throagh of peril.

Dude, that's not Engrish...That's Chaucer.

Re:Best Quote hidden

[NoData]

>> for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.

> I saw the same line in the manual for a Japanese vibrator. Wierd.

That is weird...cuz I actually experienced the emission of heat rupture liquid while using a Japanese vibrator manually. Small world!

Re:japanese toilets

[glenstar]

I remember a few years back when one of my favorite bars in Tokyo (yeah, it's in Roppongi but not a shot bar and it's hidden away) got a new toilet. I was there to meet a client and things were going very well until I needed to piss. So, I go into the bathroom, take my leak and go to flush. No flusher. While I had used the Captain-Kirk-chair-like-toilets before, this one was different... must be a new model, I thought. So, I began to push buttons, waiting for a flushing sound. Nothing. Curious. I lifted the toilet lid and KABAAAM! Water shoots out all over the place, absolutely drenching me from the knees down. So I am standing there, not knowing how to react or what to do. I am soaking wet and smell faintly of urine. So I crack the bathroom door hoping to see a staff member I knew to see what they thought of the problem. Luckily for me, Miki comes by, sees me peeking out of the bathroom door, sees my wet state and begins to giggle uncontrollably. Those who have spent time in Japan know the giggle I am talking about... the high-pitched, semi-constrained giggle that is accompanied by attempt to stifle it with a hand to the mouth and only possible from Japanese females.

Anyway, when she is done giggling I explain my predicament. Her eyes get wide. "Guren-san, " she asks, " but why were you using the bidet?". I refused to answer, mostly because I had no answer, and sloshed over to the table where my client was waiting. Laughing. Hysterically. Also being a gaijin he had experienced something similar. All's well that ends well, I guess: We ended up working together and I never pressed that damn button again.

The scheme shell!

[joeytsai]

Olin Shivers was one of my professors at Georgia Tech (and a great one at that), and he's also the author of the scheme shell. I always smile when I read the acknowledgements [scsh.net] page.

Re:Others

[soulsteal]

I like my coffee like i like my women. Dark, full bodied and slightly bitter.

I like my coffee like I like my women: tied up in a burlap bag and dragged through the Andes.

Re:Microfortnights

[stevel]

The creator of that little gem was Dick Hustvedt, a brilliant engineer with a wicked sense of humor. He was one of the inventors of VAXclusters, as well as of the SD730 Solar Horologue Option - see end of this post.

When in the VMS SYSGEN utility, and you asked for a list of the parameters, the list included the units. The TIMEPROMPTWAIT parameter was unusual in that values in one range did one thing, while values in another range did something else. Dick wanted to encourage users to go read the manual for the full explanation, so he had the units listed as microfortnights, hoping that puzzled readers would go search out the details.

Sadly, Dick suffered severe brain injury in a car accident many years ago, and was unable to return to work. We named a conference room in his honor at the Nashua, NH facility where VMS engineering lives, and if you visit it, you can see the prototype SD730, which was introduced as an April Fools joke one year. Here's the text from the "Product Information Sheet" for the SD730.

VAX-11/730

SD730 Fixed Head Solar Horologue

Overview

The SD730 is an option for the VAX-11/730(TM) that provides an inexpensive solution to the problem of setting system time correctly following a power failure. An astronomical reference is used to assure accuracy. Reliability is assured by the simple, elegant design which employs well-proven technology.

Description

The SD730 is a gnomonic high noon detector that provides a simple, but elegant solution to the problem of setting system time correctly following a power failure. This option is particularly valuable for processors lacking battery backup for their time-of-year (TOY) clock.

Highlights

- Gnomonic interference high noon detector
- High accuracy assured by low-drift astronomical reference
- Connects to existing DR-11C port on VAX-11/730
- Proprietary high-moon rejection design
- Offline mode for standalone time measurement
- User installable and maintainable
- Reliability assured by minimal component count and proven technology
- Heavy duty construction resists solar wind
- Anti-corrosion coating prevents gnomonic plague

Description

The SD730 provides a single bit of data via the DR-11C port of the VAX-11/730 that encodes all of its sensory information. Decoding is accomplished by measuring the on/off intervals of this sensor channel. Derivation of the time and date is accomplished by the SD730 Shadow Processing Support Software.

Accurate high-noon sensing is obtained by measuring the solar transit time and computing the midpoint. This algorithm also corrects for variations in gnomon width, latitude and season. In the event that a cloudless night permits a high full moon to be seen, it will be differentiated from an authentic high noon by comparing observed transit time against a reference solar transit time.

Within 24 hours following power restoration, the SD730 driver software will restore the correct system time.

Power outages in excess of 24 hours can be accomodated once a reference year has been accumulated. Day length, solar transit time and their rates of change are used to recognize the day within the year.

Installation

The SD730 is user installable and comes complete with an installation kit consisting of a lensatic compass. All software is self-installing and self-calibrating. The only requirement is that system time be set correctly and that at least one clear day be allowed for self calibration.

The SD730 will not operate reliably when installed at latitudes greater than 60 degrees.

Maintenance

While the SD730 is simple and reliable, some environments may necessitate periodic cleaning of the gnomon and photo-detector. Although the gnomon shields the photo-detector from debris, this may not be sufficient for particularly hazardous locations subject to overflights by large flocks of migratory birds. To assist in problem detection, error log entries will b

The Greatest Sign In The World

[LostSinner]

take a gander [boners.com].

Re:Best Quote hidden

[Get Behind the Mule]

Ugh, that reminds me. Some 15 years ago I was a poor American student living in Germany, doing odd free-lance technical translation jobs. Bad enough that I didn't understand most of the stuff I was translating anyway. But one time, I got instructions in English for some kind of chemical laboratory equipment, which had apparently been translated from Japanese already, and it read just like this, I kid you not. It could have passed as haiku. Now they wanted me to translate it into German (the opposite of what you usually do, since you usually translate into your own native language).

I pointed out that this was crazy, that I couldn't make heads or tails of it and couldn't possibly translate it into something sane. But they needed the job done and didn't care and I needed the money, so I did the best I could. As near as I can tell, it involved heating up some kind of liquid I had never heard of, and you better be sure to adjust this widget and calibrate that thingamabob correctly, or else, well, some bad thing would happen. I cringe at the thought that some German lab grunt might have actually tried to follow the instructions I wrote.

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[Walt Dismal]

I have violent reactions to nuts, but only the ones heading SCO.

Re:Oh where can I find....

[Coplan]

On a similar note, there is a warning sticker on older Bobcats (Skid Steer or Loaders) that has a picture of a guy under a falling Bobcat. The caption is simply "Avoid Death!" Nothing else.

Since then, I have always kept that in mind.

Also baffling...

[CrazyTalk]

I could never figure out why, on the back of a credit card, it gives the number to call if your card is lost or stolen. If your card is lost or stolen, how can you check the back of the card for the number to call????

Garment Management System

[serutan]

One time I asked for one of those hooks that snap onto the top of a cubicle wall, so I would have a place to hang my jacket. What they got me instead was a really nice padded coat hanger, like for a suit jacket, with a small clip-on hook to hang the coat-hanger on. It came in a special triangular box labelled "Garment Management System". So I cut the name off the box and stuck it on the wall next to the hanger. Just so people wouldn't mistake my Garment Management System for a mere coat hanger.

Re:Shuttle Carrier Aircraft

[SuiteSisterMary]

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye."

Best is the ATTRITION disclaimer...

[Pig Hogger]

From Attrition.org [attrition.org].

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool. process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registeredtrademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substi

Re:Others

[madcow_ucsb]

On a big bag of baby carrots:

Ingredients: Carrots

Re:Others

[Schnapple]

I think another COBOL manual from IBM stated something like:

Why #define PI 3.14159265358979? In case the value of PI ever changes.

I guess in case PI ever becomes 23 or something.

Old /. story

[TheTomcat]

Here [slashdot.org].

As mentioned in that story, my all-time favorite is from a Mackie (audio mixer) manual:
"The mating ritual of consenting adult banana plugs".

(anyone who's ever "mated" banana plugs knows exactly what the author was talking about. (-: )

S

Warning on a stroller I bought for my daughter

[fknnewguy]

I bought this stroller made by Graco for my daughter a few years ago, and, I kid you not, on the illustration for folding it up for storage was this warning: Remove infant from stoller before collapsing

Re:Others

[JanneM]

Another classical warning I've seen was on my previous motorcycle.

There was a prominent sticker telling me not to lock the steering head lock while driving. It felt a little unnseccesary, considering you had to turn off the engine (to get the key out) and be able to reach forward to the side of the steering head with a small, fiddly key, all while keeping the steering fully turned to one side, as that's the only position where that lock will actually engage.

If you are able to actually do this, you don't need a warning sticker - you need a television contract.

Re:Others

[DoctorFrog]

My favorite warning label : "Remove infant before folding and stowing stroller." I kid you not...

My other favorite military instruction

[skintigh2]

An anti-personnel landmine that reads simply "Front towards enemy."

Re:Others

[mattsucks]

> And here I thought the whole purpose was to use it when stiff...

Must ... fight ... must ... avoid ... penis ... jokes ....

On a related note...

[graboy]

Here is a link to a list of some product warning sites:

Dumb.Com - Product Warnings [dumb.com]

Sign, Interstate 10, Near Phoenix, AZ
"State Prison: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers"

On a Rowenta iron:
"Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"

On a blanket from Taiwan -
"NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO."

The Elements of Style

[rmckeethen]

I picked up this book yesterday for a writing class at SFSU and I agree, it's a gem. My favorite quote (so far):

Flammable - An oddity, chiefly useful in saving lives. The common word meaning "combustible" is inflammable. But some people are thrown off by the in- and think inflammable means "not combustible." For this reason, trucks carrying gasoline or explosives are now marked FLAMMABLE. Unless you are operating such a truck and hence are concerned with the safety of children and illiterates, use inflammable.

Priceless!

Re:Others

[JonnyElvis42]

And what about my stick deoderant: "Not for use in the eyes."

Now what the heck am I supposed to do when I've got a bad case of stinky-eye?

Re:Not too weird...

[Lost Race]

Unfortunately he's not being funny either.

Highlight...

[No Such Agency]

having warm water sprayed on my ass was the highlight of my overnight stay.

You must have not met a girl who does the thing with the string of beads.

New Scientist

[xixax]

The Feedback column in New Scientist has these every week. My favourite so far was the invoice for a locomotive purchased at auction, something like:

Item: Locomotive Quantity: 1 (approximately)

Xix.