How Zombies Work 189
Tsaroth writes "Just in time for everyone's Halloween fantasy, a horde of undead minions to collect candy for you; HowStuffWorks.com has just put up a new article about How Zombies Work. From Haitian zombies, to Dawn of the Dead it's more fun with corpses than you've ever had, hopefully." Ewww. From the article: "It happens in just about every zombie movie -- a throng of reanimated corpses lumbers toward the farmhouse, shopping mall, pub or army base where the heroes have barricaded themselves. The zombies aren't dead, but they should be. They're relentless and oblivious to pain, and they continue to attack even after losing limbs. Usually, anyone the zombies kill returns as a zombie, so they quickly evolve from a nuisance to a plague."
This is no joking matter, people! (Score:5, Funny)
Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a "long-term, even fun" refuge from zombies.
Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier Baptiste, who calls FUMA's information "hopelessly outdated."
"Dr. Aurora's claims are based on decades-old zombie models," Baptiste said. "Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human."
Added Baptiste: "That FUMA trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is."
Howstuffworks. (Score:4, Funny)
Zombies! (Score:5, Funny)
I thought... (Score:2, Funny)
My Wifes a zombie (Score:5, Funny)
Safty (Score:4, Funny)
1) Look for exits and ways to block them.
2) make sure that there is aways blunt objects or shot guns
3) if there is a shot gun, and there is less that 10 shells. Give the gun to the weakest member of the party. They are goign to die frist, and there is little a gun with that few shots is going to do
4) what zombie moves everychance you get. Take notes on what goes right and what goes wrong.
Zombies? (Score:4, Funny)
Oh, you mean real zombies!
Zombies (Score:3, Funny)
Unless, of course, they are vegetarian zombies. I have lots of grains to spare.
Re:May I be the first to say... (Score:5, Funny)
scroootum
scoooootuuuum
SCROTUM
They can have my brains if they leave the family jewels alone
Not undead (Score:5, Funny)
*ahem*
I almost forgot.
BRRRRaaaainnnzzz!!!
May I be the first to answer... (Score:5, Funny)
Not what I expected (Score:5, Funny)
Need help. (Score:5, Funny)
Could someone please summarize the part about how to kill them?
Also, how do you treat a zombie-bite wound? Band-aids, some neosporin? This one on my ankle hurts like a bitch, and it's starting to go kinda numb around it.
K thx bye.
what do we want? (Score:5, Funny)
brains!
when do we want it?
brains!
Re:Not undead (Score:5, Funny)
dude! you're totally in the wrong place! go look elsewhere.
Song Lyrics - Zombie Jamboree (Score:1, Funny)
Song Lyrics - Zombie Jamboree
joke.... (Score:5, Funny)
GRRAAAAIINNNSS
Dupe (Score:3, Funny)
Re:May I be the first to say... (Score:3, Funny)
Oh, wait... wrong meeting.
Re:I thought... (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Need help. (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Fool Proof Zombie Survival Plan (Score:5, Funny)
Re:My Wifes a zombie (Score:2, Funny)
Or turn the volume up....
How can you eat zombies.. (Score:3, Funny)
Re:My Wifes a zombie (Score:1, Funny)
That's just an old myth. Research shows that women are most attracted to money and power.
Good news, bad news... (Score:3, Funny)
Could someone please summarize the part about how to kill them?
Help desk to the rescue!
(Whips out user guide)
Congratulations! Your new Zombieplex 666 unit by Hell is durable and designed to work out of the box. Your new Zombieplex 666 does not need a power supply, as it remains in an always on state. Removing peripherals will not affect system operation. To deactivate the Zombieplex, simply smash the central processing unit. In the event of system error please call the HELL tech support hotline at (1-800-GET-SOME).
Also, how do you treat a zombie-bite wound? Band-aids, some neosporin? This one on my ankle hurts like a bitch, and it's starting to go kinda numb around it.
Corruption of system files is imminent, Followed by the Green Screen of Death. Sorry dude you'll need to reboot....
Re:May I be the first to say... (Score:4, Funny)
How to survive a zombie attack - UPDATED (Score:3, Funny)
In big, friendly letters, that is. This indeed had to be in the first place.
"#2 Get away from the zombies. Most of the time, you can move faster than they can."
Of course. duh.
"#3 Gather food, water, an emergency radio, flashlights and weapons,
and retreat to a secure location."
Possibly the best way to deal with zombies. Also, note zombies seem more common in the U.S. then elsewhere. Not all of Europe is safe; you don't want to replace zombies with vampires. the UK is known to host a strain of virus which will make people agressive in seconds; some vampires moved to F rance. Avoid eastern Europe. Sweden, Denmark and Ireland are safe. Holland has no recorded zombies or vampires, but is densely populated, which makes it a risk and thus should be avoided.
"#4 If possible, retreat to a shopping mall, general retail store or other location where you'll have easy access to food and supplies."
No, no, no. Do NOT retreat to a shopping mall. Haven't these people watched the movies? A shopping mall looks like a good idea but it will be surrounded by the zombies and eventually you'll have to get out of there, at which time it's too late. See #7.
"#5 Stay away from heavily populated areas, where the infestation is likely to be heaviest."
Fair enough. See #3.
"#6 Barricade all entrances and stay put at all costs."
No, this does not work. The zombies will stay around longer than you can. See #4.
"#7 Don't get surrounded or backed into a corner or other enclosed space."
As is obvious, the importance of this is often overlooked. Do not retreat in a house, shopping center or other closed space, with the possible exception of vehicles that are in condition to drive. Cars are documented as the most successful way to get away from zombies.
"#8 Remember that anyone bitten or killed by a zombie will become a threat to you and your party."
Blow their brains out. I mean, with a gun, that is. If no gun is available, decapitation will work.
"#9 Wait patiently for rescue and make long-term preparations for your survival."
No. You need to stay on the move. See #7.
That said, this assumes zombies have no feelings and that it is a horrible state to be in. It is not proven, hoewever, that being a zombie isn't actually 'the next level' and such a wonderful experience that they absolutely positively must share it. Why else would they go through all the trouble? Will someone please think of those poor zombies?
Re:May I be the first to answer... (Score:5, Funny)
Do this QUICK! (Score:1, Funny)
A BLUE PEN
A RED PEN
A sticky-note for each zombie
A fire-proof wall with a nearby open window covered by a good screen and a quick-reload electron gun
Some shells, preferably K or X shells; to packet some heat across the battle-network when you are safe behind the window
Here is how a priest accomplishes the task: get on top to see where the zombies are coming from, designate a list of numbers to identify the zombies, write a number for the zombie on a note with the BLUE PEN, throw the note on a zombie's forehead, run behind the wall behind the open window, get a shell and write using the RED PEN "kill -s TERM " and the given identity number, execute, return the carriage, and repeat for each unique zombie. If you don't hide behind the wall when you execute, then some fragmented bits will splatter on your localhost; causing an infection to spread to you, the parent process; becoming a zombie to the evil BEOWULF CLUSTER of BITTORENT and FREENET users in posession of the Soule Cubicle!
[this warning brought by the DMCA, because in soviet UNITED STATES the zombies are YOU too!]
Re:Fool Proof Zombie Survival Plan (Score:5, Funny)
Actually I whiled away an hour or two devising a zombie combat kit there last month. Basically you need to protect yourself from bites, mob attacks, and not much else, and destroy the brain. Assuming a near infinite number of zombies, high tech solutions will usually fail, meaning ammo runs out and equipment jams.
The best weapons to defeat zombies in close combat would be punch knives of some kind (similar to these [ucalgary.ca], but with the guard across the front or even a full hand fencing guard) although the jury is out as to whether one or two straight spikes for penetration and ease of withdrawal would be better than a maximum damage broad bladed knife, with guaranteed brain destruction.
The method of use for these blades would be straight punches, head or eye height, in and out. A single person could take out a zombie a second with a couple of these. I might also recommend an oil soaked sheath to keep it lubricated. Speaking of oil, mobility is a factor, so some sort of loose link mail of ceramic or other light material would be good. This could then be oiled up to provide less traction for the zombies' gripping hands. What we're really talking about here is human bites, so even stff leather could do the job fairly well.
Full face coverage would be important, and a locking mechanism under the jaw to prevent the zombies ripping off the helmet, with high shoulder neck guards to prevent them gripping under the neck.
Its very hard to completely destroy a brain inside a skull at any range without guns or crossbows of some sort, so instead I would advise letting the zombies come to you. Rig up a corridor with a hinged floor going to a quicklime pit or even a sheer Y drop, to trap the undead in the pit, then bait them in straight and close the door behind them. Both of these can be done manually and with very limited technical ability. Once trapped, either pour in more quicklime or spear the trapped zombies with a spike. Once completed, rinse and repeat, either disposing of the corpses over the wall or by cremation. At a rate of a thousand zombies a day, you can clear out a city of a half million undead in just over a year.
For forays and travelling, groups would of course be advisable, trained in back to back or three corner fighting methods, to prevent individuals being surrounded. For larger scale incursions, Roman legion tactics would be best, shields and short blades or punch knives.
Re:Too late! Already attacked American Idol! (Score:3, Funny)
Muntean's group is part of a "zombie renaissance" that, according to a Los Angeles Daily News article, is sweeping the nation.
I find this alarming, how will we be able to tell the real zombies from these fake zombies? This is a serious concern. I think we need to talk to congress about enacting legislation against these fake zombies in order to protect the children.