How To Write Unmaintainable Code

An anonymous reader writes "Make sure you're irreplaceable -' In the interests of creating employment opportunities in the Java programming field, I am passing on these tips from the masters on how to write code that is so difficult to maintain, that the people who come after you will take years to make even the simplest changes. Further, if you follow all these rules religiously, you will even guarantee yourself a lifetime of employment, since no one but you has a hope in hell of maintaining the code. Then again, if you followed all these rules religiously, even you wouldn't be able to maintain the code! You don't want to overdo this. Your code should not look hopelessly unmaintainable, just be that way. Otherwise it stands the risk of being rewritten or refactored. '"

FoxPro for DOS 2.6

[donnyspi]

Our company's main system is written in FoxPro for DOS 2.6. The FP programmers here seem to have guaranteed lifetime employment :-)

Or just write it in perl

[espergreen]

#!/usr/bin/perl
&!@&/*!QW(*()@!@(I!@()!@)(!@*/\()!@&*(@!/*(&

Ok, I admit it. I just banged on the keyboard :(

Re:April Fool's Right????

[MindStalker]

Yes of course this is a joke. Turn your humor sensors on NOW!

Re:April Fool's Right????

[TangoCharlie]

Sheesh! Irony, it's lost on Americans!!

I think we're supposed to take this with a certain amount of salt.

OOps, I see you're Canadian. Well, nobody's perfect :-)

How to write unmaintanable code

[ThatGeek]

How to really write unmaintainable code:

Apply equal parts of Perl [perl.org] and Guinness [guinness.com]

Re:Or just write it in perl

[Anonymous Coward]

Dude ... you just wrote a web browser.

Don't execute that...

[Mr. Underbridge]

...it generates a root exploit.

Re:missing icon?

[Golias]

Ummmm, where's the foot icon? It's good to know that the author considers this a joke, but I'm afraid that Hemos might not be in on it...

If you've seen the Slashcode, you would know why this joke would be lost on Hemos and the rest of the staff here.

Zing!

Re:Don't execute that...

[roman_mir]

Don't execute that... (Score:3, Informative)
...it generates a root exploit.

- Don't read that, the Mod Points generate a brain dump!

Re:Or just write it in perl

[Marsala]

That may be, but you managed to create a pretty solid SMTP server anyway.

Re:Or just write it in perl

[zootm]

Wow! DeCSS, a browser and a rootkit in one line of code. Perl really is a wonderful tool.

The principle is clearly that if you can do absolutely everything in 20 indecipherable characters, your code will never need to be maintained.

Re:Biased, much?

[TangoCharlie]

See, I told you! :-)

Re:Or just write it in perl

[kellar]

what about putting a couple of $sys$'s in there somewhere

Had to stop

[00_NOP]

I was laughing too much and getting strange looks in the office. Personally I use perl to guarantee employment, but there's a look to work on here.

Re:FoxPro for DOS 2.6

[Anonymous Coward]

You must work for Premiere Technologies in Atlanta. If that's the case, your post shouldn't be modded funny at all, but more like "fucking scary because it's true!"

Re:Dupe

[Anonymous Coward]

The joke's on you! Slashdot beat digg by 6 YEARS: How To Write Unmaintainable Code Posted by Hemos on Thu Nov 18, '99 10:32 PM [slashdot.org]
Yeah... still a dupe.

Instructions!

[decipher_saint]

I don't need no instructions to know how to rock.

Re:Until you get fired

[Thud457]

Why on Earth would you erroneously infer that writing unmaintainable code violates company development practices?

1997 ... dupe from 1999

[oneiros27]

It even states it at the bottom of the page:

An early version of this article appeared in Java Developers' Journal (volume 2 issue 6). I also spoke on this topic in 1997 November at the Colorado Summit Conference. It has been gradually growing ever since.

And, let's not forget, it's technically a dupe ... it was posted on /. in 1999 [slashdot.org] ... by um... the exact same editor.

Re:Jeez, just run an obfuscator

[Soruk]

What version control system is it you use that allows you to check in 4-stringed musical instruments slightly larger than a violin?

Re:Or just write it in perl

[hkb]

Ok, I admit it. I just banged on the keyboard :(

Yet it still does something in Perl. Witness the power!

Re:Or just write it in perl

[Haeleth]

The principle is clearly that if you can do absolutely everything in 20 indecipherable characters, your code will never need to be maintained.

Then the future of programming must be HQ9+!

How about dc?

[ion_]

[l:l;s<s=0l>x]s"[1+l<dd*l=d*-l;+ds<rl=2**l:+ds=d
*rd*+4<-d15>>]s>[q]s-[d77/3*2-s;47l"x-P1+d78>`]9
ks`0[d23/.5-3*s:0l`xr10P1+d24>$]ds$x

Re:I can.

[bataras]

Which chapter 14?

Were you age discriminated?
http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/29/ch14.html [cornell.edu]

Or were you a whaler?
http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/html/uscode16/us c_sup_01_16_10_14.html [cornell.edu]

Re:Or just write it in perl

[theonetruekeebler]

I admit it. I just banged on the keyboard

That's odd---I do the same thing when I'm coding Perl. Usually with my forehead, though...

Re:Or just write it in perl

[zootm]

It's all fun and games until your "iPod sync" Perl script becomes self-aware and threatens life as we know it.

Re:Until you get fired

[Rhoon]

Is it bad that this article outlines our company development practices???

Wow

[tgd]

You must've been the plumber for the house I just bought.

Bastard.

Meta application of these rules in real life:

[NecrosisLabs]

A couple years ago, I showed these rules to another developer. We had a good chuckle, particularly about

Misleading names
Make sure that every method does a little bit more (or less) than its name suggests. As a simple example, a method named isValid(x) should as a side effect convert x to binary and store the result in a database.

The next day we had a meeting to examine a legacy application that we were going to be re-writing. Another dev was discussing the DataLoad method. Which loaded a flat CSV file.

And validated the data

And stored the result in a database.

It is very hard to look professional in a meeting when your face is beet red and your eyes are screwed up tight to keep from breaking out it gales of laughter.

PL/I is great for unmaintanble code

[Rick Genter]

From a language processor I worked on eons ago; I use it as an example of what's "great (:-/)" about PL/I:

IF IF = THEN THEN THEN = ELSE ELSE ELSE = IF;

Yes, it compiles (if IF, THEN and ELSE have the appropriate types).

And how can you not love a language that has a data type for Pounds Sterling?

Obfuscation

[kcarlin]

True story, ca. 1977. A manager takes over the development group for Administrative Services at a major university. Inheriting essentially a COBOL shop, there is one clever fellow maintaining an essential enterprise application written in something called autocoder (described to me as a technological precursor to assembly language that didn't really resemble a functionally oriented programming language or much else anyone but an historian or fellow dinosaur might be familiar). Having a safe niche in an obscure language, he coded all of the variable names as a sequence of zeroes and O's and kept a data dictionary in a notepad that he kept on his person.

The new manager came in and Mr. Zero was summarily given a quick bum's rush. Mom never wasted much time on such things.

Re:Not So

[trollable]

If you could upgrade the code, it means the original coder wasn't good enough. Writing unmaintainable code is not given to every one. Unmaintainable code is code you can only delete, not upgrade.

Chester Abramowitz COBOL Savant

[gelfling]

Once worked with a high functioning austistic named Chester (Cheddy) Abramowitz who typically coded COBOL as a monothlithic bloc from col 6-80 with no spaces, breaks, indents or lines. Moreover his dataset names were things like MASTER.BATE

It kept him employed.

Re:FoxPro for DOS 2.6

[Anonymous Coward]

Or write a whole bunch of code in .sh or .csh. Allows for much more obfuscation and call different scripts from different scripts. Irritates the hell out of everyone but youself.

Along similar lines...

[NormalVisual]

Not 100% on-topic, but this article brings to mind this little jewel I found online some years ago:

12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say:

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!

11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!

10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!

8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software' releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.

7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.

5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a bat'leth contest. They will not concern us again.

4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!

3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!

2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!

1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it! Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Old Joke

[Ironsides]

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to maintain it for the rest of your life.

Re:not how it works.

[irablum]

I was once brought back in even though my code was absolutely maintainable. I had left the company for other reasons ( Inner Mongolia ) but they brought me back because something didn't work. I spent 10 minutes figureing out that the problem was hardware, 5 minutes directing the tech on how to fix the hardware, and 2 hours and 45 minutes bullshitting with my former co-workers, all at $75 an hour.

Ira

No, no no. The author has it all wrong.

[Anonymous Coward]

Don't try to make the code itself unreadable. That's a dead giveaway. Use good programming procedures to hide your wickedly complex object and data models.

The way to make your code unmaintainable is through proper use of design patterns. Don't skimp. Combine many design patterns together to make your code so complex that nobody can ever figure it out, even by stepping through your code with a debugger. Use factories to produce composite visitor objects that bridge each other recursively. God, that just gave me a tent thinking about it.

If anyone complains that they can't figure out your code, tell their manager that you're worried about poorly trained programmers that don't keep up with good programming practices. So-and-so doesn't know even the most basic design patterns. Express your concern that such low-level programmers might screw up the code and require you to have to return to the site for maintenance, with your very high fee.

Re:How to write unmaintanable code

[Anonymous Coward]

Apply equal parts of Perl and Guinness

At my college, we call that "intoxicoding."

A wise man once said...

[Anonymous Coward]

Give a million monkeys each a computer, and one of them will write a Java program.

All of the rest will write a Perl program.

Re:Lifetime aint always that long

[Guru84]

Wow... the only reason they upgraded was because the guy died. That guy should feel pretty good.... wait, he died.

Re:Lifetime aint always that long

[hpavc]

They would say "we never really planned on keeping that peice of software [dead guys name here] wrote, but we never decided on a package or got funding for a package to replace and we had so many things going on ..."

Re:I can, too

[Anonymous Coward]

Dear friend,

My name is Naorumi Hajan, I own a large scale of hotels in Swede Arabia. You probably don't know me, but I was very scared by your comment. We can lose millions ($16000000USD) of dollars because our profits depend on uptime. The analyst told me the other day that we make $1M per minute at average. Imagine what can happen! I don't understand anything about what these programmers are doing. I wish not to risk looosing all this dollars. You can help me. I want to buy your book on good coding practices. You deserve to be rich because I am very afraid by your story. I will also buy any encyclopedias you sell.

Send me your credit card info.

Unmaintainable code in just In 3 easy lessons.

[Man from Trantor]

1.) Use global variables for everything. Make sure you give them funny names like 'beeblebrox' and 'Wookie' that give absolutely no hint of what thier purpose might be. This will give the poor sl.., er, maintainer a good laugh as they tweeze thier way through your code. And yes, please feel free to reassign thier values often for whatever purpose you need in any give place.

2.) Avoid specialized classes and functions like the plague. Place everything in gigantic Sub or void methods, trying to pack as much of your programs functionality as you possibly can into each block.

3.) Thoroughly document your code by scattering non-sequitor comments at random points.

This is a proven tecnique. In fact it works so well that anyone with a brain that gets a look at it will recommend that your app be shitcanned immediately rather then waste another dime maintaining it.

Re:Or just write it in perl

[!Freeky2BGeeky]

Yeah, I'd recognise those security holes anywhere!