10th Annual Wacky Warning Labels Out 445
autophile writes "It's official: M-Law's 10th Annual Wacky Warning Label Contest is over. First prize has gone to a washing machine label urging not to put people in washers. Started to promote awareness of excessive litigation, the contest highlights common sense warning labels, such as the one that warns not to dry cellphones in microwave ovens. Companies find it necessary to stick crazy warnings on their products because of previous insane lawsuits: 'A front loader (washing machine) is just at the right height — speaking now as a mother and not a corporate spokeswoman — for a four-year-old,' said Patti Andresen Shew of Alliance Laundry Systems. Personally, I think a four-year-old precocious enough to read and understand all the warning labels hidden all over a product probably doesn't need those labels."
Slashdot... (Score:3, Funny)
bash.org says: (Score:5, Funny)
<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
My personal favourite (Score:5, Funny)
The steering lock itself was located to the left and below the trunk bundle of wires going to the front panel and instrumentation, and needed the key that presumably is in the ignition (or you would not be driving it) or the backup key. Fair enough.
But the steering lock would only engage when the front wheel was engaged fully in one direction or the other. Which was a seriously tight turning radius. If you are able to actually keep your balance and keep the bike moving while gong full tilt to the right, and at the same time find and push-twist the key sitting under a bundle of cables below your line of sight and to the left then you do not need a warning label - you need a contract to perform at a motor circus, as you have just found your true calling.
Caution (Score:1, Funny)
Junk food may make you fat.
We've had this for a while ... (Score:5, Funny)
About twenty years ago, I bought an electric pencil sharpener for my office. It came with a set of safety warnings, prominently including "Do not attempt to sharpen ball-point pens." My thought at the time was that someone stupid enough to do that most likely had a problem that wasn't going to be solved by reading warning labels.
Re:Warning: (Score:3, Funny)
Good Luck!
Crazy...or not? (Score:3, Funny)
My favorite warning label is on a set of fairy lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
Re:Crowbar (Score:5, Funny)
Does that mean we're only supposed to use them for their other intended purpose, to beat?
Best floppy disk labels ever (Score:5, Funny)
Not your usual warning label... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:bash.org says: (Score:3, Funny)
Because the product would be recalled due to absence of a warning label saying "warning: this product has no warning labels".
Prying with a Crowbar (Score:4, Funny)
The best by far. (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Well she has a point... (Score:2, Funny)
In Tesco supermarkets in the UK, the red peppers have a label "as seen on TV"
My two favourites (Score:3, Funny)
The absolute best I've seen though, in the same store even, was something I deeply regret not buying and taking home to show people as proof right then. It was the store's brand of peanut-brittle (a candy made mostly of peanuts) and the warning label said "Warning: MAY contain peanuts" (You mean they're not SURE? I think they need to re-check their manufacturing process if they think there's a chance that there might not be peanuts in the peanut brittle.) Sadly, that one went off the shelves a week later and hasn't been back since...
Re:My personal favourite (Score:4, Funny)
Bad engrish is contained generously (Score:3, Funny)
My favorite label warns about the following;
A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously. Only the person who can take responsibility by itself is to play.
I'm not sure how they arrived at this translation from Japanese, but there it is.
Re:Spin cycle=120 G's (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Labels for the manufacturers (Score:3, Funny)
Warning.. (Score:2, Funny)
Some of mine favourites (Score:3, Funny)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Re:Crowbar (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Large Appliance Entrapment Deaths of Children (Score:2, Funny)
"In some of the incidents associated with clothes dryers, the appliance was accidentally, turned on while the child was inside.
Frequently, the children were playing "hide-and-seek" and the appliance or chest provided a deceptively good place to hide. When the door slammed shut,...."
Scientific labels (Score:5, Funny)
From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny. Visit http://www.netfunny.com/rhf [netfunny.com] to browse the RHF pages and archives on the web.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc. 3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141 Individual US Subscriptions $12.00 Reproduced with permission.)
Re:It's a warning sign rather than a label... (Score:2, Funny)
Now, I think that warning could be useful, except for one problem:
It's hard to read when the gate is about to hit you on the head.
Re:My personal favourite (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Large Appliance Entrapment Deaths of Children (Score:2, Funny)
Re:My personal favourite (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Labels for the manufacturers (Score:4, Funny)
The best one I have seen (Score:2, Funny)
"Once used rectally, do not use orally."
Re:how to clean ears (Score:4, Funny)
Have you considered that the hard, black chunks in your ears might actually be dried blood from previous cleaning attempts?
Yes, I'm fairly confident you were joking, but... I couldn't resist taking it seriously and replying. Sorry.
Re:Labels for the manufacturers (Score:3, Funny)