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What Vista Is Really Like 305

Posted by kdawson
from the hotsauce-on-your-meatloaf dept.
This waking dream has been making the rounds: what if you woke and found a strange and beautiful woman in your bed, and she was inscrutible, unpredictable, and dangerous... but oh so beautiful? That's Vista for you.
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What Vista Is Really Like

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  • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:00PM (#18136190)
    This waking dream has been making the rounds: what if you woke and found a strange and beautiful woman in your bed, and she was inscrutible, unpredictable, and dangerous... but oh so beautiful?

    That happens to us all the time, and we slashdotters JUS DUN GIV A FUC. That's how badass we are.
    • by j35ter (895427) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:12PM (#18136328)
      No, I think the author *really* needs to get laid.
      Does he jack off while using Vista?
      • by Mr. Cancelled (572486) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @11:16PM (#18139344)
        >> No, I think the author *really* needs to get laid. Does he jack off while using Vista?

        Personally, I find it unlikely that many Slashdotters are waking up with women in their beds, much less dangerous, beautiful ones

        And if they do, my guess is that safety & predictability will be the last thing on their minds...

        A better analogy for /. would be something like "Okay, you have a beowulf cluster of drives. Now the drives are Maxtors, and they're kinda flaky and a unreliable, but -And I can't emphasize this enough - you have a beowulf cluster of hard drives!
    • Vista Woman (Score:5, Funny)

      by Anonymous Coward on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:34PM (#18136530)
      Yes, she was beautiful last night when you were pissed up on booze, but now, laying next to her, you notice how her face is covered in oozing rivers of makeup, slowly melting and running down her face. You are disgusted by her foul, pitted skin and faint moustache effect. She yawns, and your face is blasted by an unholy, eldritch gas, you recoil and wretch, struggling to keep what remains of last night's kebab and chips in your stomach.

      Terrified you slowly peel back the duvet to reveal breasts that are so small that sagging should not be possible; yet sag they do, with two terrible, craggly nipples point out in unrelated directions. You begin to feel faint, your ears begin to ring, but you cannot resist scanning down her fetid, clammy belly, to see the most rotten vagina that has ever blighted this earth. With lips twisted, gnarled and gaping, the stench is unimaginable; a mixture of stale kippers, mouldy garlic and fuming sulfuric acid, you are amazed that your sheets are still in once piece. Oh yes, you grab the hot sauce alright, but only pour it in your eyes so you can no longer see what lies before you, and force it into your nose so the odour can no longer torment you.
    • by tomhudson (43916) <.barbara.hudson. ... bara-hudson.com.> on Saturday February 24, 2007 @07:27PM (#18137576) Journal

      Actually, its more like "what if you woke and found a strange and bloated woman in your bed, and she was irrational, unpredictable, and dangerous... and also a control freak? That's Vista for you."

      Sexual fantasies over Microsoft Windows? This guy REALLY needs to get out more ...

  • by fred911 (83970) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:01PM (#18136200)
    It's called a wet dream....
  • Hmm.... sounds good to me -- I'll take it!
    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by tverbeek (457094) *
      You can have it. I'm gay, so this analogy sounds all scary and not at all appealing.
  • Only... (Score:5, Funny)

    by reality-bytes (119275) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:04PM (#18136226) Homepage
    The trouble is; she is "Britney Spears" beautiful rather than "Natalie Portman" beautiful. ...so you have to ask yourself, do I need baldilocks or do I need hot grits?
    • Natalie Portman was bald for a while for one of her movies, actually. Riddick or something like that. At any rate, if you're not Tom Morello, Patrick Stewart, or Mahatma Gandhi you probably shouldn't be going for bald as a fashion choice.
      • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

        by StarfishOne (756076)
        /me adds Bruce Willis to the list ;)
      • by dreamlax (981973)
        She shaved her head in V for Vendetta. When she was on Letterman her hair hadn't grown back much and she still looked like a boy.
      • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

        by UnxMully (805504)
        Try V for vendetta. Though Alexa Davalos was pretty hot in Riddick, I don't recall the shaven head thing. And before I get modded off topic, only on Slashdot would discussion of two foxy chicks be off topic.
    • Re:Only... (Score:4, Insightful)

      by Cadallin (863437) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:59PM (#18136790)
      Yeah, I'll pass on "Brittany Spears" "beautiful." I prefer something more classically beautiful than trendy white trash thank you very much.
    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by rishistar (662278)
      I met a very nice lady called Beryl [youtube.com] the other day...
  • Oh Please (Score:5, Funny)

    by abscissa (136568) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:05PM (#18136240)
    This waking dream has been making the rounds: what if you woke and found a strange and beautiful woman in your bed, and she was inscrutible, unpredictable, and dangerous... but oh so beautiful?

    I'm gay. I'd panic.
  • by hack slash (1064002) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:05PM (#18136244)
    But will she go down on you as much as previous incarnations?
  • the comparison... (Score:2, Insightful)

    by User 956 (568564)
    what if you woke and found a strange and beautiful woman in your bed, and she was inscrutible, unpredictable, and dangerous... but oh so beautiful? That's Vista for you.

    Yeah, but the problem with women like that is that they're like chocolate. Sweet at first, then increasingly bitter.
  • by Stephen Tennant (936097) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:08PM (#18136272) Journal
    I wake up early, on an angle, tucked into a large mass of flesh occupying the majority of my small bachelor apartment. As I look over at the walls, I see they are made of glass, and as I struggle to extricate myself from the monolith of apparent woman, so as to see the whole better, I hear a rumbling voice from within,

    "DISPLAY PROPERTIES NEEDS YOUR PER-PER-PER-"

    The whole building collapses.

  • by smack.addict (116174) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:08PM (#18136274)
    Why?
  • by mustafap (452510) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:09PM (#18136294) Homepage
    >what if you woke and found a strange and beautiful woman in your bed, and she was inscrutible, unpredictable, and dangerous...

    and you reach down and discover she has a dick.
  • Yeah. . . (Score:5, Funny)

    by Who235 (959706) <secretagentx9@@@cia...com> on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:10PM (#18136302)

    This waking dream has been making the rounds: what if you woke and found a strange and beautiful woman in your bed, and she was inscrutible, unpredictable, and dangerous... but oh so beautiful?


    Too bad she's bloated and stops you a hundred times whenever you try to do anything interesting.
  • by tomstdenis (446163) <tomstdenis@@@gmail...com> on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:12PM (#18136318) Homepage
    Vanity article about Vista ... again ...

    I'm not against Vista [though I am], I'm not for it [truth], I just don't care. Are we not yet over the novelty of Vista yet or what? It's basically Windows XP++, big deal.

    Tom
  • by mochan_s (536939) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:12PM (#18136320)
    Since we are anthropomorphizing and all ..

    I'd say Vista is like a fat ugly lady dressed in very nice clothes. And, I'd say Vista users are like those people looking for a sugar mama going after glitz.
  • by plopez (54068) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:12PM (#18136326) Journal
    What you are describing is inconcievable to most of the posters. You might try: "imagaine a 16way AMD box, a real screamer for SETI, molecule folding etc., also fully modded to use the waste heat to make espresso but would randomly shock you and download kiddie pr0n without your knowledge'.

    That might be something a slashdotter understands.
  • by SammysIsland (705274) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:13PM (#18136330)
    I have many partitions.
  • by Courageous (228506) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:13PM (#18136340)
    So. I have Vista installed on my home computer.

    Can I trade it for that beautiful and dangerous woman you are talking about?
    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by MarkRose (820682)
      One would think you'd be Courageous enough to find one on your own...
      • by dangitman (862676)

        One would think you'd be Courageous enough to find one on your own...

        One would also think that your use of Capitalization is Bizarre.

        • Notice the GP's nick?
  • by capoccia (312092) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:18PM (#18136392) Journal
    so vista is like an expensive whore with STDs?
    • Y'know, that's not a bad analogy either...
    • so vista is like an expensive whore with STDs?

      Yes, but being a proprietary product there won't be any Open Sores on her.
    • so vista is like an expensive whore with STDs?

      The problem is she's less of a whore than her sisters, but charges more.

      The good part is that while she's definitely not oh so beautiful (at least any more than any other girl on your block), the cosmetic surgery she's had done has made her less ugly than the rest of her family, so you don't have to be embarrassed any more.
  • Sheesh.. (Score:4, Funny)

    by Dunbal (464142) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:24PM (#18136448)
    You'd think that all these bloggers would accept the fact that Microsoft isn't giving away any more free laptops by now...
  • "The question dies on my lips as I reach the foyer. First off, my house now has a foyer. Sunlight streams in through thousands of cut facets. There is so much glass I almost wonder if there are walls. White tile stretches across the floor, forming a beautiful backdrop for stunning furniture and art. My house now has art in it."

    "I aksed my neighbour, John MacIntosh, to come over to have a look. He said it looks a lot like his house did when he had it remodeled a few years back. Only his house doesn't have a

  • The fact that a beautiful woman would be in ANY /.er's bed is strange by itself. We realize that. No need to emphasize the fact that she is strange, because it is plainly obvious that she is warped beyond all belief - or she is a mail order bride.

  • No pics?????
    • by Yvan256 (722131)
      Haven't you heard? Pics are only for ads! And articles need to be split on a minimum of 10 pages too!
  • by jcr (53032)
    More like, vista is an ancient trailer-trash jerry springer reject who got a makeover at "glamourshots". Sure, the makeup is almost halfway to passable, but she still weighs 700 pounds.

    -jcr

  • by David Horn (772985) <david@p o c k e t g a mer.org> on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:34PM (#18136528) Homepage
    Mildly funny, but why does the author go on a rant about viewing the screen resolution? For crying out loud, it's only 3 clicks away from the desktop. Ironically, exactly the same as in XP...
  • not that pretty (Score:2, Insightful)

    by boxlight (928484)
    As a Mac user I'm at risk of sounding like I'm belly-aching, but I really don't think Vista is that good looking.

    The default color scheme, that earthy green blending in to pale yellowy blue -- it all looks kind of ... I don't know ... greasy. Like I'm looking through oily antique glass. It doesn't feel fresh and clean to me.

    Also, the way that 3d window swapping thing works, with the windows flying by at an 45 degree angle from top the top left. If gives me a kind of motion sickness -- just seems l
  • I wish the author had continued his story a little further. I bet he would have discovered that the meatloaf wasn't any better than that of his previous wife, just unnervingly different... with the hot sauce.

    MS Wife(C)(R)(TM) 6.0 is no better than version 5.1, except for being more attractive, and slightly psychotic about security instead of inherently lazy.

    She is probably even more insistent that you use her mailbox (email), her surfboard (browser), her desk (office suite), and lots of other things sh

  • But aren't they all (Score:2, Informative)

    by davmoo (63521)
    she was inscrutible, unpredictable, and dangerous

    This pretty much describes most of the female population...
  • [W]hat if you woke and found a strange and beautiful woman in your bed...
    This is Slashdot; you've already lost us.
  • ... "in ways you could never imagine", you thought she meant sex [stlyrics.com].

    Now all your Base belong to her and she encrypted your CD collection.
  • by SmallFurryCreature (593017) on Saturday February 24, 2007 @05:51PM (#18136714) Journal

    Windows, pretty on the outside but further examination reveals that it is thick layer of make up applied to an old hag who there for everyone. She is set in her ways and getting her to do anything requires you to spend more money.

    OS-X. Extremely pretty but deep down she is an mature lady with a lot of refinement. She however expects only the best so you better deliver. This baby is going to cost you.

    Linux, the ugly duckling of the pack, yet she loves you completely without resevervation, she doesn't want your for your money or status. She is open and honest. And if you love her you can turn her into the princes of the ball but unlike the pretty windows, the linux girl stays true to you.

    BSD, well, you seen dawn of the dead?

    I am KIDDING!

    OS/2 A loving hard working wive who raised the kids perfectly, kept the house in excellent condition and always prepared delicious meals followed by amazing sex, yet spurned for a 16 bit bimbo with 32 bit makeup.

    Mainframe, you have to wait in line with the other johns, good service but you know thousands of others have been there before you.

    Okay, I am out, your turn.

    • Ha. This whole story reminds me of the OS-tan phenomenon [wikipedia.org].
    • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

      by oGMo (379)

      Linux, the ugly duckling of the pack, yet she loves you completely without resevervation, she doesn't want your for your money or status. She is open and honest. And if you love her you can turn her into the princes of the ball but unlike the pretty windows, the linux girl stays true to you.

      Given things like Enlightenment [enlightenment.org] and Beryl [biodesign.com.ar], Linux is only as ugly as you let it be. And E (preceded by fvwm-xpm) has been around for just around 10 years now, so it's not anything new, either.

      Linux is more like the

  • ...did Microsoft pay for this "story"? Wake up with an evil Bond girl in your bed, you might enjoy your last few minutes on Earth. With Microsoft products, it's just torture for the rest of your life.
  • I'm reading this attempt of an article and wondering.. did someone change the meaning of the word "really" overnight and forgot to tell me?
  • It's a piece of shit. Neeext.
  • by Orion Blastar (457579) <orionblastar@noSPAm.gmail.com> on Saturday February 24, 2007 @09:36PM (#18138620) Homepage Journal
    Vista is really like Rosie O'Donnell, fat, lazy, foul-mouthed, lesbian man-hater, ugly, eats too much, and has a loud mouth.

    But Vista comes with beer goggles so that while it is Rosie O'Donnell it looks like Marilyn Monroe, and even though you know that is impossible, the beer goggles make you accept it anyway.

    Not only that but Rosie O'Donnell came with an iron clad contract so you cannot fire her or use a different OS or use her in a virtual machine, in fact you signed it because it is the EULA and you thought it was harmless at the time, but now you are forced to have her running your life for you and accepting her upgrades (service packs) even if they continue to pack on the pounds on her and cause her to take up more room.

    You think you got Marilyn Monroe, but you are stuck with Rosie O'Donnell.

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