New Hope for Jackson Hobbit Film? 268
DrJimbo writes "Just in time for the 70th Anniversary of the Hobbit (published September 21, 1937) Entertainment Weekly has a 5-page article on a possible reconciliation between Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema that may pave the way for the director of the Lord of the Rings trilogy to return and helm the filming of The Hobbit. It was previously reported here that Jackson would not be making the Hobbit film. The EW article says that Jackson wants to make two films: first the Hobbit in its entirety and then another film that bridges the roughly 60 years between the end of the Hobbit and the start of the Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately Jackson already has a lot on his plate with filming of The Lovely Bones scheduled to start this month and a live action Tintin film in the works."
Peter Jackson (Score:5, Funny)
Dear Mr. Jackson (Score:5, Funny)
A bit OT, perhaps (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Dear Mr. Jackson (Score:5, Funny)
Uh, ok, I see your point.
Re:Not public domain (Score:5, Funny)
Re:So what to call the second film? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Er, what? (Score:5, Funny)
(apologies to the English, I have a poor ear for accents)
Orc 1: 'E's done it agin'.
Orc 2: Wot's dat?
Orc 1: E's gone an' changed the bloody plans ag'in.
Orc 2: Piss off! Wot's 'e done this time?
Orc 1: Mr. 'igh and mighty dark lord's changed the tower top. Wants to mater'alize up thair.
Orc 2: But 'e's jus' a giant dis'm'bodied flamin' eyeball. It'll look ridik'lous!
Orc 1: Tha's wot I said! "Barad'dur'll look like a giant bleedin' lighthouse," I says. "Wot'll you be doin', guidin' ships in o'er the flamin' lakes o' lava?"
Orc 2: Cor, you didn'!
Orc 1: Yes, I says it! Right to his flamin' eyeball!
Orc 2: S'ppose that explains the singe and smoke about you. Bits're flakin' off.
Orc 1: Yes, yes it does. So I'm off t' round up the gang. Eyeball turrets for everyone.
Uwe Boll (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Not public domain (Score:3, Funny)
Or Tarantino? (Score:1, Funny)
Thorin: OK, so tell me about Rings of Power.
Gandalf: OK, what do you want to know?
Thorin: Rings of Power are legal there, right?
Gandalf: Yeah, they're legal, but not 100% legal. I mean, you can't just walk into a party, slip one on and blink away. They want you to use them in your home or certain designated mountains.
Thorin: And this is the shire?
Gandalf: Yeah. It breaks down like this, OK, it's legal to try it, it's legal to have it and, if you're gonna destroy it it's legal to use it, it's legal to conceal it, but wait -- it doesn't matter because, get a load of this -- if you get stopped by the the Nazgul, it's illegal for them to search you... now that's a right the Nazgul don't have.
Thorin: I'm going, that's all there is to it, I'm fuckin' going.
Re:Er, what? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Do we care? (Score:4, Funny)
Well, based on secret Tolkein notes in my possession which I found taped to the back of a forgery of the Mona Lisa, Middle Earth developed transforming robot technology by deeply studying the Ents killed while deforesting vast tracts of land to build huge areas where people could shop for goods and services.
There was eventually a brutal war that, amongst other things, reduced all subsequent Kings of Men to whiny little sissy boys with girly hair. Something to do with a demasculation spell getting tangled up with an elven birth control device.
The technology was banned when a hobbit named Periwinkle Butler lead a jihad against "the evil devices that move of their own volition". It was actually sticken from the historical record, and people forgot all about it due to a forget spell leaking in from a parallel fantasy Universe called Xanth. This is why it's never mention in LOTR.
They don't really even have politics
Which makes then the most advanced and enlightened race in all of Middle Earth.
Adam Sandler to direct The Hobbit. (Score:4, Funny)
HOLLYHELL, Monday — In an admirable display of synergy between hard-headed business sense and sensitivity to artistic rightness, New Line Cinemas has hired Adam Sandler to direct The Hobbit, the prequel to The Lord Of The Rings.
"Peter Jackson may have made us three billion dollars and paved our goddamn driveways with Oscars," said a spokesdroid, "but when he dared question the three nickels and a gum wrapper payment, well. We knew we just couldn't work with someone so risibly unprofessional."
Sandler is likely to be working under renowned producer Uwe Boll. "Okay, here is what I am thinking, ja? Your Bilbo Baggins will be a WOMAN in Nazi Germany. A naked woman. And the One Ring will not show up. And she gets raped by Hitler! Gandalf will be played by Keanu Reeves. I AM THE DIRECTOR! I mean programmer. PRODUCER."
Jackson has lost weight, shaved his feet and gone back to his roots to make a warmhearted New Zealand-based family film in the style of his earliest works, under the working title Zombie Cancer Bukkake Pus-Nodules, with a budget in the range of over forty New Zealand dollars.
Work at New Line continues. "We at New Line are convinced that Professor Tolkien would have agreed with us that Adam Sandler will realise her artistic vision eleventy-one percent. We've bought three years' worth of shark futures."
Re:Uwe Boll (Score:5, Funny)
Paul Verhoeven: He would probably choose some aspect of the story and hyper emphasize it. The movie would also have blatant political satire.
Michael Bay: The fight scenes would be dramatic, but we would not have any idea who was fighting or who was winning until the end when we finally got a somethings besides blurred elbows and bodies and the wide angle shot showed us the winners standing.
David Lynch: A very strange film with gollem losing an ear and sauron going on and on about mommy while taking nitro.
Joel and Ethan Coen: An offbeat humorous version with every goofy character in LOTR played up and heightened magical reality.
David Cronenberg: Would use LOTR as a metaphor to examine the nature of reality. At the end, there would be a tie-in between Sauron and current modern reality.
Stephen Chow: A rollicking humorous version of LOTR with lots of special effects. He would probably focus on the one on one fight scenes more than the big battle scenes. No doubt, Gandalf's robes would be reduced to tatters by the Balrog's first attack and we would see his long underwear for a comedy effect before they both tumbled into the abyss.
Quentin Tarantino: This hyper-kenetic, super dark version of LTR would have lots of squick scenes. The lust between Aragorn and his love interest would be played up. Harvey Keitel would appear as Aragorn. Juliette Lewis would star as Arwen.
Michael Moore: Sauron as a metaphor for corporations or the Bush presidency... The hobbits as the socialist paradise (with a scene showing how hobbits were so happy because they had socialized medicine and ate only natural food).
Woody Allen: Woody would of course be Bilbo. Back in the day Mia Farrow would have been Arwen. Someone would have an affair.
Night Shyamalan: Whatever happened during the movie-- the ending would involve some sort of massive twist. Perhaps it will turnout Sauron was so desperate to build power because he was trying to stop something even worse from happening (ala "colossus and crab").
Spike Lee: Black hobbits for sure! Probably black elves. And the orcs would be white. Sure the evilness of the "white hand" would be played up.
George Lucas: 9 hours of wonderful actors giving horrible performances... true to the plot and great special effect scenes tho.
Clint Eastwood: Man.. I like his work but can't imagine what his version would be like. He might be aragorn tho.
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I think if people consider what we could have had.... They will realize how grateful we should be that Jackson took this on.
Re:A bit OT, perhaps (Score:3, Funny)
(I kid I kid, dutchy here)
Re:Er, what? (Score:2, Funny)
Re:So what to call the second film? (Score:4, Funny)
Stop it, you're quilling me!