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Man Robs Convenience Stores With Klingon "Batleth"

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  • by drachenfyre (550754) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:07AM (#26724877) Homepage
    only outlaws will have batleths...
    • by icebrain (944107) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:16AM (#26725057)

      Yes, we must ban replica weapons that are only made for killing large numbers of people! Protect the children!

      These "assault swords" have features like extra cutting edges, and allow the evil person using one to swing it in both directions, thereby killing more people.
      The user's hands are placed a little differently than on traditional swords, meaning the user can swing with more power and hit more people at once.
      They're made of cheap metal, which is more dangerous than regular steel because it's more powerful and stronger than a real sword!
      And they have engravings in an unknown foreign terrorist language, which tells the user how to be deadly assassin. And there's obviously no need for engraving on a sword.

      And obviously, if we ban them, they'll all magically go away, because we know that criminals who like to commit acts of violence will be scared of the law that bans their swords. Nobody will ever make one themselves, or sneak one in through the black market, and there are no legitimate uses (such as movie props and reenactments) for these weapons.

      • by curmudgeous (710771) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @12:00PM (#26725833)

        "...allow the evil person using one to swing it in both directions..."

        Well, obviously anyone who swings both ways is pure evil (according to the fundamentalists).

      • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

        by ChrisA90278 (905188)

        Don't laugh. In ancient times in some cities swords were banned. People were only allowed knives up to a certain size.

        Back in the day, 100 Roman soldiers were a huge and powerful force. A Centurion, the man who commands only 100 men was allowed to make binding agreements and speak for the Roman government

        In a city where swords are outlawed 100 armed men could do as they wanted.

      • by wsanders (114993) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @01:59PM (#26727437) Homepage

        Back in college, I had a friend who was into the Society for Creative Anachronism thing. He got burgled one night while he was home, and sent the intruder to the hospital with wounds from a broadsword. You don't see that every day.

        Apparently he was stark naked when he attacked, too. Dunno if he bothered to cover himself with woad before the battle.

      • by mshannon78660 (1030880) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @02:08PM (#26727559)
        I know you're being funny, but interestingly, in most (maybe all) states, you can not carry a sword or long knife in any way that would make it useful for protection. As a country, we have decided that firearms are much safer than swords. Here are a couple of links for discussions of this: http://askville.amazon.com/NYC-legal-carry-pocket-knife-attached-belt-plain-sight-concealed-weapon/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=9649382 [amazon.com] http://askville.amazon.com/legal-carry-sword-self-defense/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=8859178 [amazon.com]
    • by powerlord (28156) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @12:04PM (#26725913) Journal

      When asked if he had a smooth or ridged forehead, they refused to comment.

    • by tunabomber (259585) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @12:45PM (#26726469) Homepage

      Clearly, you're being ironic, but you cannot out-irony the authorities. [dailymail.co.uk]

  • by defile39 (592628) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:08AM (#26724903)
    He should be stripped of his land and titles.
  • by joeflies (529536) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:10AM (#26724929)

    is one of the Rites of Ascension. While it is inevitable that a boy becomes a man, what is not inevitable is whether a man becomes a warrior. That is, until he robs a 7-eleven.

  • by LighterShadeOfBlack (1011407) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:10AM (#26724931) Homepage

    It's not a "Batleth", it's a "Bat'leth". Without the apostrophe it just looks ridiculous.

  • by dreemernj (859414) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:18AM (#26725081) Homepage Journal
    ...and I never will. I can never forgive them...for robbing my 7-11.
  • I wonder... (Score:5, Funny)

    by Foofoobar (318279) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:19AM (#26725099)
    I wonder if the investigating police showed up in Enterprise Uniforms. 'This is highly illogical, Leutenant'
    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by Anonymous Coward

      Dammit Jim! I'm a police officer, not a psychiatrist!

  • At least... (Score:3, Interesting)

    by Demiansmark (927787) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:23AM (#26725157) Homepage

    it seems that the two clerks were big enough nerds to identify the weapon as a Batleth!

    Unfortunately it seems that the robber was masked so they weren't able to tell if he was a swarmy Klingon.

    Some great writing in the story: "The clerk did not give him any money and the suspect transported himself out of the store"

    So the suspect ummm.. "left" the store? Oh wait... "transported himself", dude got beamed up!

  • by GammaKitsune (826576) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:24AM (#26725179)
    Does it seem surreal to anyone else that, according to the article, both clerks recognized what a Bat'leth was? Colorado Springs: where Trek nerds control all the local convenience stores. For best results, RTFA while listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyhhFzE5O5U [youtube.com]
  • by RevWaldo (1186281) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:24AM (#26725187)
    Randall: Worse than getting robbed by some f'n Star Trek geek?
    Dante: I'm not even supposed to be here today!
  • Oh Great. (Score:5, Funny)

    by Tony Stark (1391845) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @11:32AM (#26725345)
    I was hoping to make a big impact when I start robbing stores with my lightsaber, but it looks like some trekkies stole my thunder.
  • by mandark1967 (630856) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @12:03PM (#26725897) Homepage Journal

    will he be considered and "Ex-KAHN!"?

  • by pmbasehore (1198857) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @12:05PM (#26725943)
    Turn in your geek card and spell it correctly!

    And your mother has a smooth forehead!
  • by Bert64 (520050) <bert&slashdot,firenzee,com> on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @12:06PM (#26725953) Homepage

    I'm rather disappointed he just wore a plain black mask and regular clothes...
    The story would have sounded a lot better if he had gone in a full klingon costume.

  • by twmcneil (942300) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @12:19PM (#26726127)
    Every convenience store should have a few Tribbles around.
  • by Jason Levine (196982) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @12:33PM (#26726307)

    *BEGINS CHANNELING JACK THOMPSON*

    This proves that watching Star Trek makes a person violent! We must ban all Star Trek in order to protect our children and our 7-11's.

    *ENDS CHANNELING JACK THOMPSON*

    And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to wash out my brain... with some hydrochloric acid.

  • Aamazing (Score:5, Funny)

    by Endo13 (1000782) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @01:24PM (#26726965)

    We actually have a good story on Idle. Well, I guess there's a first time for everything.

  • by sprior (249994) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @01:33PM (#26727085) Homepage
    Since pain sticks weren't available for his initiation he had to settle for brain freeze.
  • by qazwart (261667) on Wednesday February 04, 2009 @02:04PM (#26727507) Homepage

    If you work in a convenience store, you never ever try to stop a robbery. It doesn't matter if the guy has a gun, a Bat'leh, or an attack gerbil.

    Your job is to get this guy out of your store as fast as possible with as few injuries as possible. I knew someone who worked in HR at Southland Corporation (the people who run 7-11s). They train their workers to help the robbers.

    Most robbers have little idea of what they should do once they run into a convenience store and demand all of the money. The clerks are trained to not make sudden moves and to keep their hands visible.

    The clerks ask the robber if they want their money in a sack and if the robber would like them to lie down behind the counter until they leave. The clerk's job at that point is to get the robber out of the store as quickly as possible.

    Most of the time, there is less than $50 in the till. If someone comes in with a bat'leh, you don't know if they may also have a gun on them. You have no idea what this person might be capable of doing or whether they have a few friends outside who may try to help out if you put up a fight.

    It simply isn't worth the fuss over $50. You give the money to your assailants, wish them a nice day, and hope they leave as quickly as they came.

"The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -- The Firesign Theatre

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