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Darth Vader Robs Long Island Bank 190

Posted by samzenpus
from the I-find-our-lack-of-funds-disturbing dept.
Apparently the destruction of the second Death Star has stretched the Galactic Empire's coffers so thin that Lord Vader himself is robbing banks. From the article: "Impotent Rebel Alliance security forces tell Newsday (paywall) that Vader marched into a Chase bank in Setauket around 11:30 a.m. today. Brandishing a completely unnecessary handgun — as he had the power to choke the oxygen out every teller's throat — the fallen Jedi demanded cash."
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Darth Vader Robs Long Island Bank

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  • handguns (Score:5, Funny)

    by Shakrai (717556) * on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:36AM (#33002210) Journal
    Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid......
  • by snookerhog (1835110) on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:38AM (#33002218)
    move along
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:39AM (#33002226)

    But I think playing the Imperial March on a portable speaker while he walked in drew a bit too much attention.

  • by DWMorse (1816016) on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:42AM (#33002264) Homepage
    One that actually walked into the bank, one that did the voice demanding the money, and one that will go to jail for showing his face for a few seconds.
    • by elrous0 (869638) * on Friday July 23, 2010 @10:17AM (#33002634)
      And most hated of all...the one whiny little girl-man robber who will later be edited into the security camera footage.
  • At the bank they did not know the power of the Dark Side...
    ---
    "No! Alderaan is peaceful! We have no weapons, you can't possibly... "
  • by mjwx (966435) on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:43AM (#33002282)
    Death Star plans not found in main computer.
  • by Mabbo (1337229) on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:44AM (#33002300)
    Just go to the next convention, and look for the guy who is no longer living in his mother's basement.
  • Unusual (Score:5, Funny)

    by DoofusOfDeath (636671) on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:49AM (#33002334)

    Couldn't Cheney have just gone on a lecture tour like everyone else?

    "I find the lack of cash in this paper bag... disturbing."

  • by Drakkenmensch (1255800) on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:49AM (#33002338)
    "If this is a Citibank branch, where is your supervisor?"
  • Cool (Score:4, Funny)

    by lyinhart (1352173) on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:51AM (#33002354)
    Darth Vader robbing a bank? Far more cool than the entirety of the prequels.
    • Re:Cool (Score:5, Funny)

      by DoofusOfDeath (636671) on Friday July 23, 2010 @10:04AM (#33002486)

      Darth Vader robbing a bank? Far more cool than the entirety of the prequels.

      Quiet, or you'll give Lucas an idea for another prequel: "Episode 3.5: How Vader Acquired Funding for the Death Star".

      (Oh crap - I think he heard me.)

    • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

      by AtomicOrange (1667101)
      Anything is more cool than the entirety of the prequels...

      actually what prequels were you referring to? There is only the Star Wars Trilogy.
  • This is actually really smart. Who knows the robber's age/weight/sex? Same logic behind dressing in Santa outfit, though Vader's a bit more suspicious.

    All you have to do is literally change out of the outfit into your street clothes (maybe wear a suit and put the costume into a snazzy briefcase) and no one will know the difference.

    • by erroneus (253617)

      The same brilliant idea occurred to the KKK long, long ago... ...just sayin'

      • by Chrisq (894406)

        The same brilliant idea occurred to the KKK long, long ago... ...just sayin'

        Just as long as they don't build a death star.

  • ATM (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:55AM (#33002390)

    "Who's gonna give me a loan, jack-hole? You!? You got an ATM on that torso lite-brite!?" - Emperor Palpatine

  • by magusxxx (751600) <magusxxx_2000@yahoo . c om> on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:56AM (#33002402)
    "I find your lack of interest in your savings accounts disturbing." --- "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant to a well diversified IRA."--- "Asteroids do not concern me, Teller. I want that ship, not excuses. Now get me a low percentage loan."--- "When I left you I was but an accountant. Now I am the bank manager."
  • by Anonymous Coward on Friday July 23, 2010 @09:57AM (#33002422)

    That's no Bank;

    It's a credit union.

  • by debozero (209948) on Friday July 23, 2010 @10:06AM (#33002506)

    Operator: Hello Tip line

    Caller: Yes I'm calling about the Darth Vader bank robbery

    Operator: OK go ahead..

    Caller: Yes the guy who did it lives in a galaxy far far away.

    Operator: OK how does this help

    Caller: Well it doesn't but I know he is on a large moon.. Wait that's no moon it's.. it's... massive......

    Operator: Who is this?

    Caller: It's Han {static}

    Operator: I think we have a bad connection say again

    Caller: It's Han {static} and I am near the deathstar located {static}

    Operator: OK we have your location we are sending the authorities

    Caller: OK can you hear me now?

    Operator: Yes.

    Caller: OK you will need to fly down the thermal exhaust port and fire a Photon Torpedo

    Operator: um why?

    Caller: Do you want to catch the guy or not {noise in the background} hold on. SHUT UP CHEWY

    {Call cuts off}

    • by MBGMorden (803437) on Friday July 23, 2010 @10:22AM (#33002694)

      Caller: OK you will need to fly down the thermal exhaust port and fire a Photon Torpedo

      PROTON torpedo. Photon torpedos were Star Trek, not Star Wars.

      Somehow, I feel ashamed to know that fact, but I couldn't let it slide. ;)

      • by Chris Burke (6130)

        Somehow, I feel ashamed to know that fact, but I couldn't let it slide. ;)

        I wouldn't feel ashamed for knowing. I'd be ashamed for not being able to let it slide. ;)

  • by dbet (1607261) on Friday July 23, 2010 @10:13AM (#33002578)
    Was it:

    a. May the cash be with you.
    b. If you shoot me, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
    c. The power to rob a bank is insignificant next to the power of the force.
    • by BobMcD (601576)

      If Lucas wrote the script, it would have been:

      d. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

  • ...times are tough. What else are you going to do when the Death Star's runnin' on empty? Do ya think that bank is part of the Rebel Alliance?
  • "What do you have an ATM in that chest LiteBrite of yours?"

  • by hoytak (1148181) on Friday July 23, 2010 @10:53AM (#33003096) Homepage

    ... his pin number is 1 2 3 4 5.

  • by clo1_2000 (1790952) on Friday July 23, 2010 @11:14AM (#33003326)
    walking up to the teller, I wonder if the teller thought, "I have a bad feeling about this"
  • Luke.... I am your robber.

  • by Microsift (223381) on Friday July 23, 2010 @11:53AM (#33003804)

    Poor David Prouse, rock bottom indeed. Kinda cool he still fits in the suit.

  • R2D2 just walks up to any ATM, opens a panel, sticks an interface in, twists a few times, and takes all the cash he wants

    he's also good at shutting down trash compactors

    • by Tetsujin (103070)

      R2D2 just walks up to any ATM, opens a panel, sticks an interface in, twists a few times, and takes all the cash he wants

      You know, R2-D2 was always kind of easy-going about how he used that data jack. He'd just stick it in any old port he could find, and give it a few turns until he got what he needed. The problem is those data-jack interfaces are very prone to viral transmission. Plus computers are becoming more and more selective in terms of what kinds of data packets they'll accept. As a result, it's becoming very rare these days to find an unprotected data port. It's not like the old days where he could find a data p

  • I don't remember Vader wearing camouflaged cargo pants...
  • Vader is described as 6 feet, 2 inches tall, also wearing camouflage pants

    What the fuck is wrong with Lucas? I mean the who shot first thing was bad enough, but to put Vader in camo pants?!?

  • Because that would have been classy.
  • When captured by the police, he let out a terrible cry: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

  • ... LucasFilms has issued a Cease and Desist order against all criminals, past, present and future, to prevent the unlawful acquisition of monetary gains while portraying characters that are the intellectual property of George Lucas.
      George has also contacted the NY criminal demanding royalties for this recent public performance...

  • ... the shoe polish he uses to keep his helmet shiny costs him an arm and a leg!

    Or was that an arm and two legs?

We want to create puppets that pull their own strings. - Ann Marion

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