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2007 Darwin Award Winners 229

Posted by kdawson from the shallow-end-of-the-gene-pool dept.
Web Goddess writes "The 2007 Darwin Award Winners have been announced. Precarious sex, squashed thieves, animals eradicated with electricity, the obligatory macho competition involving a train, and one computer (which survived.) But think twice before you read them. Do you really want to know about The Enema Within?"
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2007 Darwin Award Winners More

2007 Darwin Award Winners

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  • Enema Within (Score:5, Funny)

    by jb1z ( 1099055 ) * on Saturday January 12, 2008 @09:14PM (#22020782)

    The machine shop owner couldn't imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favourite beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!
    Takes "shitfaced" to a whole new level.
    • ...and think "Damn, an assload of booze" again.

      • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

        by Anonymous Coward

        When I interned at the geek compound back in the summer of 99, I experienced an alcohol enema firsthand. We used watered down vodka (less additives, etc). It was kind of like using a chilled chrome buttplug. Tip: do not try this after being fisted! Fuck that may have been the most painful night in my life!

        --Curtis

    • Re: (Score:2, Interesting)

      by nuzak ( 959558 )
      Heard it, no doubt snopes has as well. The Darwin awards aren't even trying anymore.

      These awards are like listening to that crusty old "story teller" uncle at reunions. Everyone has heard the storits a hundred times before, everyone knows they're bullshit, but we just humor him because we've only got to go through it once a year if that.

      • Re:Enema Within (Score:5, Informative)

        by HeroreV ( 869368 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @10:19PM (#22021228) Homepage
        I don't know about this particular case, but it's common knowledge that the body can absorb alcohol through the anus much faster than by normal means. Alcoholic enemas aren't that uncommon. I know they are done, and I wouldn't be surprised if several people have caused serious harm to their health, or even died, from it. It only takes a few seconds to go from completely sober to falling-on-the-ground drunk with an alcoholic enema.

        • Re: (Score:2)

          by fbjon ( 692006 )
          I can't fathom why anyone would want to do that. Slowly becoming drunk is part of the fun, IMHO.


          Alcoholic enema is like sex, only starting with the orgasm, and ending with the worst part of getting drunk. Man, what a drag!

        • it's common knowledge that the body can absorb alcohol through the anus much faster than by normal means

          Caffeine too from coffee, though I'm not sure how I'd order that at Starbucks. Definitely wouldn't be a "no-whip".

        • It does bring to mind the disturbing image of some one doing a keg stand that way at a frat party.
        • This a joke, right? Hold on a minute...urph...grrer...owww...ooph

          Hey, it worksssakajiiujhisffs

        • Re:Enema Within (Score:5, Informative)

          by theonetruekeebler ( 60888 ) on Sunday January 13, 2008 @08:58AM (#22024508) Homepage Journal

          it's common knowledge that the body can absorb alcohol through the anus
          "Common knowledge?" Who the hell do you hang out with?

          In other news, the anus is just the hole at end of a long tube. Absorption would happen through the colon.

      • Re: (Score:3, Informative)

        by LrdDimwit ( 1133419 )
        Except that in this case, not only do we have a name and other details that are commonly missing, the victim's wife was initially arrested on murder charges, then released due to lack of evidence (they would have had to prove she knew it would kill him, or would be dangerous -- she says he did it often). So while many of these are borderline urban legendish, this particular one is well documented.

        And if this story doesn't deserve a Darwin award, I can't imagine what would. (Not that I hold the whole Darw

    • The Real Darwin Awards (Score:5, Interesting)

      by Anonymous Coward on Saturday January 12, 2008 @10:54PM (#22021406)
      As a funeral director I think Darwin awards should be handed out not to the stupid but to the senseless. The following list is based on my own professional observations of people I think qualify for a Darwin Award.

      1. pedestrians who ignore traffic
      2. recreational drug users
      3. drivers who drive distracted, intoxicated or stupid
      4. people who commit suicide (if you find yourself in this spot, seriously talk to someone. I've seen the aftermath and its never clean, neat or peaceful -- and anyone who tells you different... has never been there)

      The real tragedy isn't that we do stupid things but we keep doing the same stupid things with the same tragic results and always act surprised when people die.

      So seriously folks, next time you think its safe to cross on a red light, drive and talk on a cell phone or take hit of cocaine at a party, just remember that millions of people ahead of you of made the same decision and are either dead or killed some poor innocent person.

      A senseless death stops being senseless when we learn from it and resolve not to let it happen again. Give the real Darwin Awards to the tens of thousands who never learn.

      • drivers who drive distracted, intoxicated or stupid

        That is in there [darwinawards.com]. However, it comes with this disclaimer:

        Darwin says, "This nomination is not popular. It is against the rules to receive a Darwin Award if you injure innocent people. I thought this event might qualify anyway, because the driver was an idiot, and the occupants of the Hummer were not seriously injured. But it seems that I was wrong. This story will likely be removed from the archive soon."

      • Intelligent Design (Score:5, Funny)

        by Roger W Moore ( 538166 ) on Sunday January 13, 2008 @02:36PM (#22027292) Journal
        Personally I think they should update the criteria too but I was thinking more along the lines of giving the award for "activities that show absolutely no evidence of intelligent design"!

  • hahaha! idiot! (Score:4, Funny)

    by dpastern ( 1077461 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @09:28PM (#22020868) Homepage
    I bet the alcohol bottle took one look at him and said "what an asshole".

    Dave

  • Eradicated with Electricity (Score:4, Funny)

    by dunezone ( 899268 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @09:30PM (#22020884) Journal
    Did he at least get the mole?

  • Amusing (Score:2, Funny)

    by Maxite ( 782150 )
    I find it amusing, that the story that probably best reflects /., is also the one most likely to be disqualified. The note at the bottom of the Laptop Still Works [darwinawards.com] indicates the following:

    Darwin says, "This nomination is not popular. It is against the rules to receive a Darwin Award if you injure innocent people. I thought this event might qualify anyway, because the driver was an idiot, and the occupants of the Hummer were not seriously injured. But it seems that I was wrong. This story will likely be remov

  • No response from server after loading only 2 of the awards...

  • I nominate darwinawards.com (Score:5, Funny)

    by Purity Of Essence ( 1007601 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @09:43PM (#22020964)
    I nominate darwinawards.com for allowing itself to be linked on Slashdot. That server is toast.
    • Does slashdotting even happen anymore? The server does seem overwhelmed, but the darwin awards receive notoriety well beyond slashdot.

    • No great loss... (Score:2, Insightful)

      by anss123 ( 985305 )
      The winner was a couple that had sex on a roof, followed by someone filling his ass with alcohol. The rest must be 'less amusing' so IOW No balloons on a chair, rocket engines on a car, or skydiver forgetting his ever important backpack.

    • Re: (Score:2, Interesting)

      by SpectralDesign ( 921309 )
      You would think in this day and age that a standard Apache config would include a redirect to the Coral Cache if the referer is /.
  • Looks like their web server is in line to win an '08 Darwin Award!

  • Really want to know? (Score:5, Funny)

    by fahrbot-bot ( 874524 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @09:48PM (#22021002)
    Do you really want to know about "The Enema Within?"

    Why yes, yes I do. I'm guessing that's a third-date sort of thing?

  • Slashdotted.... (Score:5, Informative)

    by rustalot42684 ( 1055008 ) <.fake. .at. .account.com.> on Saturday January 12, 2008 @09:49PM (#22021008)
    site seems to be slashdotted; here are the ones I had open before it went down.

    What Goes Up Must Come Down 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin "What goes up must come down." (20 June 2007, South Carolina) A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old couple Znaked and injured in the road an hour before sunrise. The two people died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles. Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. Florence McCants said. This is a true Darwin Award trifecta: TWO people die, WHILE in the act of procreation, due to an ASTONISHINGLY poor decision. Bottom line: If you put yourself in a precarious "position" at the edge of a pointy roof, you may well find yourself coming and going at the same time. Ironically, one of the deceased was named "Tumbleston."

    The Enema Within 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (21 May 2004, Texas) Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. The machine shop owner couldn't imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favourite beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address! When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead. The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%. In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.

    Support Group 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin "Gravity still works." (28 July 2007, Czech Republic) A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others. (21 June 2007, Philippines) Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former US military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind, and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified. (31 July 1997) Two teens were disassembling an electric tower with wrenches when it toppled to the ground. They apparently wanted to sell its aluminum supports for scrap, but they failed to realize the essential role the aptly named "support" plays in a 160-foot tower. One of the men was crushed by the collapse of the ten-thousand-pound tower, while the other dug himself out from under, a sadder but wiser man from his close brush with a Darwin Award. Reference: Associated Press

    Oil Tank Trampoline 2007 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (24 June 2007, Colorado) If you get "Footloose" and cut the rug on an oil tank, be careful not to light a cigarette or bong of weed, else you may soo

    • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

      by Dan East ( 318230 )
      A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others.

      Stuff like this must happen pretty often. Two guys broke into a shut-down foundry near here with the intent of stealing copper wire. Unfortunately for them, they cut into a 12 kilovolt line that was still energized. One of t
      • Yeah, and I feel for them. The other ones seem just incredibly stupid acts all by themselves. These ones could be out of desperation, especially those in the Philippines and such. It happens all the time, take a look at the oil line burns in Nigeria for example. Or people trying to get some electricity in the slumps in south America. If you have to give all those people Darwin awards, you might have a long time writing all the names down.

    • Re: (Score:3, Informative)

      by cwtrex ( 912286 )
      Here's my favorite:

      The Laptop Still Works!

      (26 February 2007, California) 29-year-old Oscar was driving on Highway 99 near Yuba City, when his Honda Accord crossed into oncoming traffic and collided with a Hummer. The occupants of the Hummer were not seriously injured. California Highway Patrol officers found Oscar's laptop still running, and plugged into the car's cigarette lighter. Investigators believe that he was using it when his car crossed the center line.

      "Driving is not a time to be practicin

    • Re:Slashdotted.... (Score:5, Funny)

      by kylben ( 1008989 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @11:58PM (#22021800) Homepage
      Jeez, you guys can slashdot a site even at a quarter to ten on a Saturday night? Don't you people have lives? Now go out to your bars, and your clubs, and your girlfriends, and get off the DA site so I can see it.
    • Unfortunately, there is still no one to equal the awesome Lawn Chair Larry [darwinawards.com]. That was the best ever.
  • And, no doubt, like every other year, it will be filled with previously disproven and utterly ridiculous urban legends, because they happen to sound better than the real thing.

    I think Snopes (or perhaps Mythbusters if you're desperate) should have a "Darwin Awards" special every year.

    • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

      by nuzak ( 959558 )
      > I think Snopes [...] should have a "Darwin Awards" special every year.

      They do, actually. Well, it pops up in their RSS feed whenever these things make the rounds. The Darwin Awards are never really awarded, it's just that random groups of credulous dumbasses start forwarding various "funny stories" emails en masse and they just paste "Darwin Awards" on them. I don't know, maybe these were "official", I can't bring myself to care anymore. I swear there are even dupes from previous years on the list.
      • There was an original "Darwin award" that started as forwarded email. However those emails inspired these awards which includes notes on how reliable the stories are.

  • slashdotted in just 27 minutes (Score:3, Informative)

    by vrmlguy ( 120854 ) <samwyse&gmail,com> on Saturday January 12, 2008 @09:55PM (#22021078) Homepage Journal
    I read the first few links OK, then things started timing out. Since I use the Slashdotter [mozilla.org] extension for Firefox, I immediately clicked on all the .nyud.net:8090 copies of the links. Some of them are still trying to get cached, but here's the complete list of the mentioned links.

  • Lone objector (Score:5, Interesting)

    by Hao Wu ( 652581 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @10:16PM (#22021218) Homepage
    I humbly protest the DA each year, but not with any judgment or anger about it.

    Exploiting death for humor turns me off somehow (except for the occasional hard criminal - good riddance to them).

    Of course that's not the INTENTION, but that's what it is really...

    • You're not alone on this one.

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by jamesh ( 87723 )

      Of course that's not the INTENTION, but that's what it is really...

      Who knows... maybe some potential Darwin nominee will read the list (unlikely) or hear someone repeating one of the stories down the pub (more likely), and think twice about his actions.

      I think the Darwin awards provide a valuable public service.
    • I agree.

      I think it's listening to people laugh about the Darwin Awards that I find so depressing. Ok, there are stupid people in the world and they sometimes cause tragedies. I accept that.

      But that I'm surrounded by insensitive assholes who laugh at their deaths bothers me.
      • Aww, c'mon. Not all of these people are just endangering themselves. One of the winners was using his laptop while driving - and died after crashing into oncoming traffic. This guy was so reckless that if he hadn't been killed, he probably should have been put in jail. I really don't feel bad chuckling at such an asshole's death.

        But I see where you are coming from with some of the others. Dark humor appeals to me, though. It's not something that I can help. It's not that I am being insensitive - it is just

    • Re:Lone objector (Score:5, Insightful)

      by LordLucless ( 582312 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @11:18PM (#22021556)
      "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." - George Bernard Shaw
    • You're protesting something and accusing others of exploiting death, and yet you make no judgement? At best you're being disingenuous. But at worst, it may be that you consider yourself so inherently better than others, to the extent that you need not form a judgement in order to be able to look down upon their words.

      At least they are being honest in their reaction. You however actually go to the effort of using tags to emphasis your "humility" - do you realise how self-contradictory that is?

    • Exploiting death for humor turns me off somehow (except for the occasional hard criminal - good riddance to them).
      I completely agree! Aside from the demise of the occasional moral hypocrite, death is always a tragic, sober and sacrosanct event!
    • I'd like to second you. I'm quite sure having some jackass head on you was disturbing enough for the train.

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by nguy ( 1207026 )
      Well, it may "turn you off", but why do you have to "protest" it? If big breasted women turn you off, do you go around protesting them as well? If you don't like it, don't watch it, but don't spoil the fun for the rest of us.
    • Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

      -Mel Brooks

      http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/26965.html [quotationspage.com]
       

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by jd ( 1658 )
      Even the hardest of criminals was not born that way. Many probably descended into such a life through circumstances beyond their control. This does not justify their actions, by any means, but it seems far more rational to pity those who could not reasonably have avoided their deaths than to pity those whose deaths were entirely self-inflicted and well within the capacity of those involved to have avoided.
    • Trust me, you are far from being alone. Minority, may be, but not alone.

  • not terribly funny (Score:2, Interesting)

    by Anonymous Coward
    meh.
    I've got a pretty twisted sense of humour, but not too many of these are very funny. maybe the mole/electrocution one...but:
    couple dies after falling off the roof they on which they were having sex?
    man has a car accident and dies because he was trying to use his laptop while driving?
    I don't know - seems like a poor crop this year.
    maybe people are just getting smarter?


    HAHAHA (*wipes tear from eye*)

  • Best of the Rest: Dead Reverend's Rubber Fetish (Score:5, Insightful)

    by mojoNYC ( 595906 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @10:34PM (#22021316) Homepage
    While the nominees this year are, as always, quite deserving, I can't believe this guy didn't make the list:

    Dead Reverend's Rubber Fetish
    Autopsy: Pastor found in wetsuits after autoerotic mishap

    OCTOBER 8--An Alabama minister who died in June of "accidental mechanical asphyxia" was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report. Investigators determined that Rev. Gary Aldridge's death was not caused by foul play and that the 51-year-old pastor of Montgomery's Thorington Road Baptist Church was alone in his home at the time he died (while apparently in the midst of some autoerotic undertaking). While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, reported on Aldridge's two wet suits, the family newspaper chose not to mention what police discovered inside the minister's rubber briefs. Aldridge served as the church's pastor for 16 years. Immediately following his death, church officials issued a press release asking community members to "please refrain from speculation" about what led to Aldridge's demise, adding that, "we will begin the healing process under the strong arm of our Savior, Jesus Christ." (5 pages)

    http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html [thesmokinggun.com]

    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by Anonymous Coward
      it's probably just too common to be deserving of an award.

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by u38cg ( 607297 )
        Actually, you're quite right. Quite a few girls and a lot of guys snuff themselves out every year getting up to this sort of thing. It's only the ones that are interesting - due to the protagonist being a minister or politician - that attract public notice. So this doesn't really meet Darwin's notability criteria.

  • Blue screen of death fatality? No, the poor bastard was died because he ran into a Hummer. Those things are so wide he did not have to cross the line to have the accident and no passenger car will survive the impact. If you need to haul things, please buy a pickup truck or a van or a hatchback, not something designed for combat. When you don't need to haul things, please buy a passenger vehicle with properly designed crush zones.

    • Re: (Score:3, Informative)

      by goofballs ( 585077 )

      Blue screen of death fatality? No, the poor bastard was died because he ran into a Hummer. Those things are so wide he did not have to cross the line to have the accident and no passenger car will survive the impact. If you need to haul things, please buy a pickup truck or a van or a hatchback, not something designed for combat. When you don't need to haul things, please buy a passenger vehicle with properly designed crush zones.

      cute, but:
      - the dude crossed the line
      - a hummer h1 is ~8" wider than most fulls

  • What about all the noms from .... (Score:5, Funny)

    by russ1337 ( 938915 ) on Saturday January 12, 2008 @11:20PM (#22021582)
    I really would have thought we'd have seen an entry from anyone of those thousands of people [google.com] who Died in a Blogging Accident. [xkcd.com].
  • caused by the number of calls from Slashdot...
  • Here's one which was reported here in New Zealand, I think about a year ago. (I think it was around new year.)

    Some teens decided to get high by inhaling a flamable gas (propane?) while sitting together in a car with the windows closed. Then one of them decided he wanted a smoke...

    One died, as the mixture in his lungs happened to be in the explosive range. The rest were badly burned. However, the story disappeared off the news media without revealing whether the smoker was the one who died, so I couldn't sub

  • National Lampoon's TRUE FACTS (Score:3, Funny)

    by camg188 ( 932324 ) on Sunday January 13, 2008 @12:00PM (#22025874)
    The TRUE FACTS section of National Lampoon has been doing stories like these for years, but they don't always focus on death. My favorite if from the 1986 special True Facts edition:

    At an outdoor concert in Juazeiro do Norte, Brazil, singer Waldwick Soriano insulted the audience, causing a brawl from which he had to be rescued.
    Soriano became incensed while singing a song called "I Am Not a Dog" when a dog walked across the stage wearing a sign that said: "I Am Not Waldwick Soriano."
    and this one:

    News writer Cynthia Jarokowsky, thirty-four, was killed in a freak accident on December 10 near Berne, Switzerland, where she was researching a story on Swiss art galleries. According to the driver of her car, Bernard Culdebois, Dr. Jarokowsky asked that the car be stopped on a particularly scenic, though dangerous, mountain curve, and that her electric wheelchair be placed on the road so that she could admire the landscape. As she moved closer to the mountain edge, her hand apparently slipped on the control, an her chair bolted forward through an open area in the guardrail, hurling her down a 15,000-foot precipice.
    Culdebois, whose English is very poor, believes that as the journalist fell, she cried out either "Help me, you idiot!" or "God save Washington art!"
    The first time I went skydiving, I screamed "God save Washington art!" as I let go.

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