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It's funny.  Laugh. Science

Attack of the Evil Monkeys From Hell 462

grrlscientist writes "A new form of communication between wild vervet monkeys and humans is causing humans distress — and a collapse of their food supply. Approximately 300 vervet monkeys in Kenya are sexually harassing the women of a village so they can steal their crops. None of the attempts to discourage the monkeys has so far worked."
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Attack of the Evil Monkeys From Hell

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  • Tit-for-Tat (Score:5, Funny)

    by pipingguy ( 566974 ) * on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:28AM (#20351707)
    Have they tried flinging feces at the monkeys yet?
    • by Aqua OS X ( 458522 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:37AM (#20351751)
      No, just spanking.
  • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:30AM (#20351713)
    Shoot the damn monkeys already
    • Just make sure to lock your guns up, since they're breaking into homes. Monkey see, monkey do.

    • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:34AM (#20351741)
      It's a criminal offense to harm them.
      • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

        by Anonymous Coward
        Fuck the law. Kill the damn monkeys and eat them.
      • by mrjb ( 547783 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @05:09AM (#20352355)
        It's a criminal offense to harm them. If it is a crime to try to survive, the monkeys have already won, and the villagers will starve to death.

        Seriously though. Last time I checked, fighting for survival never stopped being a right of every living thing on the planet. Even a court will have to recognize this. The villagers have tried to get rid of the monkeys without harming them, and it doesn't work- it has driven them to famine relief. Should they kill monkeys from now on, I don't think a lawyer would have any trouble defending the case. Even if someone ends up doing jail time, it's better to be tried by 12 than to be carried by 6.

        Furthermore, these monkeys are probably intelligent enough to stay away once they understand that they can be killed. Shooting blanks from that point on should be enough from that point on (it would probably even work for creatures as intelligent as humans).
        • by jbengt ( 874751 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @10:07AM (#20353467)
 [] People encroach on the monkey's habitat and encounter the cute vervets.
          The vervet monkeys have a natural fear of man.
          People feed the monkeys.
          The vervets get brave.
          The vervets become a nuisance
          The people start shooting and killing monkeys
          The vervet population drops drastically, threatening plants that depend on them for seed dispersal, and animals that depend on the plants.
          The vervet monkeys are protected by the government
          The monkeys get brave and become a nuisance
      • by Znork ( 31774 )
        You could always claim the monkey was shot resisting arrest.

        If they're so far antropomorphized that they're making rude gestures, it's probably time to demonstrate the finer points of law to them.

        I mean, obviously, these monkeys need sensitivity training.
      • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

        by Colin Smith ( 2679 )

        It's a criminal offense to harm them.
        Dogs don't understand the law.

        Bring in a predator.

        • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

          by Sponge Bath ( 413667 )

          I think Vick has a few pit bulls to spare.

          Pit bull monkey fights! That would be a spectacle.

        • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

          by th1nk ( 575552 )
          Dogs don't understand the law. Bring in a predator.

          I don't think it gets cold enough there to freeze the gorillas come wintertime.
      • by HangingChad ( 677530 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @09:17AM (#20353223) Homepage

        It's a criminal offense to harm them.

        When it's a crime to hunt monkeys, then only criminals will have fried monkey for dinner.

        Eat the evidence.

  • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:31AM (#20351723)
    they're phi sigma kappa pledges
  • by Antique Geekmeister ( 740220 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:36AM (#20351747)
    That way, they'll only watch porn all night and never actually lay a hand on anything female.
  • by Telephone Sanitizer ( 989116 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:37AM (#20351755)
    They've been watching BET.
    • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

      Modded Flamebait?!

      That wasn't just a joke, it was culturally sensitive humor, pointing out the misogynistic tendencies of a popular television channel.

      Perhaps I was too subtle for you: BET teaches that women are objects to be exploited for sex or random abuse. Monkeys, watching BET would learn and mimic that behavior. So might human kids.

      See? That wasn't flame bait at all.

      Still don't get it? Turn on BET and watch for a few minutes at any time up until 4am when it switches to religious programming.
  • Someone managed to record the monkeys and upload the footage. Here's the url: []
  • by Pvt. Cthulhu ( 990218 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:42AM (#20351769)
    eat the monkeys. problem solved.
  • taste aversion (Score:5, Interesting)

    by wizardforce ( 1005805 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:42AM (#20351771) Journal
    in all srriousness what could be done is trying taste aversion [] basically this was used on wild animals to prevent the killing of sheep. what they did was add a lithium salt to a set of dead sheep, the animals would eat the meat, lithium and all and it caused nausea and reduced their activity. these affects were associated with the sheep meat and after a while the animals stopped attacking sheep as a food source. now all of these behaviors with these particular primates stem from their attempt to acquire food so putting a stop to that motivation stops the problem entirely. the last reason this could be an option is that the predators survive the encounter, taste aversion shouldn't cause long term harm like a few other options [hunting for one]
    • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

      by timmarhy ( 659436 )
      monkeys > sheep. they already tried baits and the monkeys have figured out how to tell if something was baited. they (the women in the field) tried wearing mens clothing to scare them to but the monkeys figured that out as well. Now the monkeys are grabbing the women breasts and making gestures mimicing sexual thrusting.

      this is all because, morons from other countries have actually covinced these poor countries that they shouldn't kill animals like monkeys, to satisfy thier own pathetic middle class gu

  • by Anonymous Coward on Saturday August 25, 2007 @02:43AM (#20351773)
    The monkeys fear men and harass women. Therefore, have the men work the fields, and send the women out to do whatever the men are doing now.
  • What's the problem? Are there a bunch of tree-huggers in kenya to interfere?


    • by Apuleius ( 6901 )
      Ammo's expensive when you live in East Bumfuck, Kenya and have to grow your own food.
      • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

        by sumdumass ( 711423 )
        Take a stick and sharpen it. Then plunge it into the monkey. No ammo needed.

        Actually, you probably won't even need to kill them. Maybe a cattle prod or something and shock them a few times. You could take a stick and put a bunch of dull needles on them and hit the monkeys a few times. Animals are generally good at not doing things that cause pain. After a while they would just associated the women with pain and stay clear.
  • Monkey, wearing a hard hat and grabbing crotch: Yeah baby shake that ass!
  • Wet blanket time. (Score:3, Insightful)

    by Apuleius ( 6901 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @03:05AM (#20351865) Journal
    As soon as your done having your laughs, folks, remember that it's a hell of a lot funnier when it isn't your family that's at risk of hunger.
  • by edwardpickman ( 965122 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @03:07AM (#20351869)
    300 female Vervet Monkeys in black teddies..
  • While they cant harm the monkeys i am pretty sure that having the women go out with guns loaded with bird bomb shells.
  • MONKEYS! (Score:3, Funny)

    by falzer ( 224563 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @03:28AM (#20351967)
  • Put them in Congress. No one will notice for....Heck no one will notice.
  • by NerveGas ( 168686 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @03:45AM (#20352049)

        Is there anything they do that ISN'T entertaining?
  • don't default to a racist viewpoint, and instead support the monkeys because they obviously have the upper hand here. They are smarter, willing to work together, and have bigger balls than a creature five times their size.
  • No, there's no way we share a common ancestor with these guys. They certainly weren't created in the image of the same God as we were, right? ... Right?

    C'mon, guys, help me out here. My faith in Genesis is wearing kinda thin here.
  • "I wonder why this is occurring all of a sudden? I'd guess this is the result of human encroachment into the monkeys' former territory or perhaps a local food shortage, perhaps caused by the residents."

    Uh, this is obviously a case of monkeys encroaching on peoples land, I don't know why everything has to be our fault all the time. I know that in the US farmers would use shotguns to solve this kind of problem (regardless of the legality), I think a similar approach could work in Kenya.
    • They might be some smart monkeys, but if it was my property, they would need to think their way around a .38 bullet.
      • by mosb1000 ( 710161 ) <> on Saturday August 25, 2007 @04:55AM (#20352293)
        "they would need to think their way around a .38 bullet"

        For small, fast moving critters like monkeys I would use bird shot. It would be hard to hit them with a bullet.
        • Re: (Score:3, Informative)

          If you want to get technical bird shot is a lousy way to go. You're more likely to badly injure them than kill them unless you're fairly close. Something like #4 Buckshot is better. They hold 28 pellets that are each nearly the size of a .22 round. There are rounds like turkey shot but most bird shot is smaller than BBs. It's really meant for small birds not mammals. Small buckshot gives you a better chance of killing rather than wounding them. It's common for bird shot to not kill the birds just cripple th
  • WWTHAD? (Score:5, Funny)

    by Kaenneth ( 82978 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @04:54AM (#20352289) Homepage Journal
    What Would The A-Team Do?

    First, to travel a long distance with B.A. by plane, he'd have to be tricked into taking a sedative, then loaded onto the plane.

    Hannibal and Face would be too busy sexually harrasing the women themselves to get serious for a while. Murdoc would 'get to know the enemy' by joining the monkeys, while B.A. would be pissed about getting tricked again.

    Inspired by the earlier drugging of B.A., Hannibal would come up with the plan to have Murdoc sleeping drug the monkeys while B.A. and Face Montage-Weld a specialized monkey-scooper truck, to load them on the plane. As they leave they drop the monkeys into the compound of the military dictator.

    (maybe I shouldn't port at 2 am)
  • Despite their new problems with the monkeys, it is a criminal offence to harm or kill any of them, so the besieged villagers must figure out a way to outwit the monkeys instead.

    This law needs to be updated to stipulate that defending your food supply from the monkeys warrants their harm or death. Then these women need to be supplied with baseball catcher's masks, leather armor, and a can of whoop-ass.

    Nobody dominates mankind. Add monkey meat to your diet.
  • linky (Score:4, Informative)

    by wikinerd ( 809585 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @05:43AM (#20352479) Journal
    See ethology of vervets [].
  • by 1u3hr ( 530656 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @06:41AM (#20352665)
    "The predominantly farming community is now having to receive famine relief food. The residents report that the monkeys have killed livestock and guard dogs, which has also left the villagers living in fear, especially for the safety of their babies and children."

    But they're only black African savages, so it's "funny".

  • by trifish ( 826353 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @06:55AM (#20352703)
    At first I thought this was a scam or a joke. But then I noticed the source at the bottom of the article. And it is one of the most credible news sources there is: BBC.

    It would have been better if the article linked to that, rather than to some, at least to me, rather obscure blogger. []
  • by bangzilla ( 534214 ) on Saturday August 25, 2007 @07:37AM (#20352839) Journal
    "The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts...."
    So by my count that's two (2) hands to grab breasts, one (1) hand to gesture and one (1) hand to point at the privates. Total four (4) hands per monkey. Do these magical monkeys fly too?

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