Attack of the Evil Monkeys From Hell 462
grrlscientist writes "A new form of communication between wild vervet monkeys and humans is causing humans distress — and a collapse of their food supply. Approximately 300 vervet monkeys in Kenya are sexually harassing the women of a village so they can steal their crops. None of the attempts to discourage the monkeys has so far worked."
Tit-for-Tat (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Tit-for-Tat (Score:5, Funny)
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Re:Tit-for-Tat (Score:5, Funny)
I say the Kenyan government should give the monkeys full human rights. Set aside an area of the country designated a monkey habitat and enshrine in law the monkeys' collective ownership of that land.
Then announce to the Western world that a routine governmental survey has found something of great value on the monkey-land. Gold, oil, rhodium, manganese, pretty flowers. Anything that can be collected and sold will do. The rest will take care of itself.
Before long armored divisions will start showing up to keep the peace. Machine gun bunkers will be built. Far overhead, out of sight of the monkeys, billion dollar airplanes will peer down throught their bombsights, trying to locate the laser the ground team is shining on a mudpile monkey hut so the bomber crew can precisely deliver a million dollar payload of explosives to eradicate the hut and all its occupants from the face of the earth.
An opposing monkey faction would be developed by dangling the carrot of power in front of an influential but well liked monkey leader of a monkey splinter group. To this faction the West could provide weapons, in return for assurances that when power was consolidated the weapon providers could expect the favor to be repaid. We just want to see an end to the monkey terror, you see.
But, with the other hand, the West could make sure that power never was consolidated. This way the monkeys would set themselves to the task of continually collecting whatever natural resource it was the West wanted, so they could afford a continual supply of weapons to fight a war that would never end.
If that isn't a time and again proven effective method of monkey subordination I don't know what is.
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I do? Where? Whatever Kuwait's faults, Iraq was, actually, worse. But that's internal to each country — as long as they keep it internal. We might criticize them, but we would not invade on the grounds of "poor government". Even in the face of genocide (as in Yugoslavia, Rwanda, Darfur), we'd be dragging our feet agonizing over the non-interference principles.
Not that hard of a problem to solve (Score:3, Insightful)
Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve (Score:5, Interesting)
Just make sure to lock your guns up, since they're breaking into homes. Monkey see, monkey do.
Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve (Score:5, Informative)
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Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve (Score:5, Insightful)
Seriously though. Last time I checked, fighting for survival never stopped being a right of every living thing on the planet. Even a court will have to recognize this. The villagers have tried to get rid of the monkeys without harming them, and it doesn't work- it has driven them to famine relief. Should they kill monkeys from now on, I don't think a lawyer would have any trouble defending the case. Even if someone ends up doing jail time, it's better to be tried by 12 than to be carried by 6.
Furthermore, these monkeys are probably intelligent enough to stay away once they understand that they can be killed. Shooting blanks from that point on should be enough from that point on (it would probably even work for creatures as intelligent as humans).
Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve (Score:5, Insightful)
The vervet monkeys have a natural fear of man.
People feed the monkeys.
The vervets get brave.
The vervets become a nuisance
The people start shooting and killing monkeys
The vervet population drops drastically, threatening plants that depend on them for seed dispersal, and animals that depend on the plants.
The vervet monkeys are protected by the government
The monkeys get brave and become a nuisance
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If they're so far antropomorphized that they're making rude gestures, it's probably time to demonstrate the finer points of law to them.
I mean, obviously, these monkeys need sensitivity training.
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Bring in a predator.
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I think Vick has a few pit bulls to spare.
Pit bull monkey fights! That would be a spectacle.
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I don't think it gets cold enough there to freeze the gorillas come wintertime.
Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve (Score:5, Funny)
It's a criminal offense to harm them.
When it's a crime to hunt monkeys, then only criminals will have fried monkey for dinner.
Eat the evidence.
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Like nobody ever poached in Africa? It's a criminal offense to hunt gorillas too, yet there's a real possibility of hunting driving gorillas to extinction in the wild.
I'm not sure you realize that we don't live in bizzaro-logic world. Just because people poach gorillas and get away with it does not by default mean that these villagers could kill monkeys and get away with it. It isn't as if the authorities will say "well gorillas are going extinct so we might as well shoot some monkeys."
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After all, how did they learn to make rude human sexual gestures in the first place? Somebody taught them and TFA does say they are a protected species. Put two and two together and what do you get?
Re:Not that hard of a problem to solve (Score:5, Funny)
The weirdest fucking /. post ever.
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Those aren't monkeys... (Score:5, Funny)
Wow, slashdot trolls are copying the monkeys (Score:2)
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Subscribe the monkeys to Slashdot (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Subscribe the monkeys to Slashdot (Score:5, Funny)
It all began when the monkeys got cable tv... (Score:4, Funny)
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That wasn't just a joke, it was culturally sensitive humor, pointing out the misogynistic tendencies of a popular television channel.
Perhaps I was too subtle for you: BET teaches that women are objects to be exploited for sex or random abuse. Monkeys, watching BET would learn and mimic that behavior. So might human kids.
See? That wasn't flame bait at all.
Still don't get it? Turn on BET and watch for a few minutes at any time up until 4am when it switches to religious programming.
Youtube footage of the monkeys (Score:2, Funny)
when arnt they going hungry? (Score:5, Funny)
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I'm afraid you're considering the infection problem to be a Bad Idea with capital letters. It's a significant risk, with small letters. Issues like AIDS are relatively new: hunger a
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The reason it was considered a "BAD idea" by tribes who came into contact with other apes is that tribes saw the apes as just another sub-human tribe. Nothing special since all other tribes were also considered either "sub" or "super" human. It's the same behaviour that gives rise to what we now call "racisim", "chauvanisim" or "child abuse" depending on the target. It's also the reason that the members of one's own religio
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You mean HIV, AIDS is a progression of the symptoms. And no, HIV is not passed ingestion. shows how much you know.
taste aversion (Score:5, Interesting)
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this is all because, morons from other countries have actually covinced these poor countries that they shouldn't kill animals like monkeys, to satisfy thier own pathetic middle class gu
Re:taste aversion (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:taste aversion (Score:5, Insightful)
We aren't talking about the monkeys standing in the way of me having a 2nd car, or having a new play station. We are talking about them preventing some of the poorest people in the world getting enough food just to survive. So yes, fuck the stupid monkeys.
"can we not try something just as effective that doesn't involve killing them first"
What are you, dense? they have already tried nasty tasting baits, dressing up to scare them and hitting them with sticks. I'd say that's a fucking good effort for people facing starvation because of the monkeys.
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And, they had been killing the monkeys. They've killed so many that they now have protected them to prevent the vervets, and the plants that depend on their seed dispersal, from going extinct.
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Norway, for example, has in general very strict hunting-regulations, mosts predators are completely legally protected. That does, however, not mean that a farmer isn't allowed to defend his animals. By lethal force if nessecary. The moment a bear starts attacking your dog, cow or sheep, you're
reverse the gender roles (Score:3, Insightful)
Re:reverse the gender roles (Score:5, Funny)
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Actually, you probably won't even need to kill them. Maybe a cattle prod or something and shock them a few times. You could take a stick and put a bunch of dull needles on them and hit the monkeys a few times. Animals are generally good at not doing things that cause pain. After a while they would just associated the women with pain and stay clear.
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toughie, come back after you are conscripted to a real military service and ordered to shoot to kill and learnt what being 'tough' means.
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What foolishness you try to speak!
Monkey see, monkey do...I fling monkey poo at you until the monkeys do!
Hmmm... that could be a monkey poo haiku. Have to try that next time I reply to yet another inane post.
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-l
Re:nay (Score:4, Funny)
Yeah, well, I was an elite CIA Force Recon UDT Sniper Seal Yellow Beret (much cooler than those Green Beret pansies) with OSS doing black ops in the Argonne Forest just north of the Chosin Reservoir back in '84. I can't comment on which unit I was with or anything I actually did because it's so top secret the government will deny I was ever in the military, and you might get on the NSA's super-secret list if you even reply to this comment.
-l
Monkey Construction Workers (Score:2)
Wet blanket time. (Score:3, Insightful)
the eco friendly solution (Score:3, Funny)
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MONKEYS! (Score:3, Funny)
Round them up and put them to work (Score:2)
Ah, monkies... (Score:5, Funny)
Is there anything they do that ISN'T entertaining?
History is written by the winners (Score:2)
Just a bunch of evolutionist hogwash (Score:2)
C'mon, guys, help me out here. My faith in Genesis is wearing kinda thin here.
I think there's a simple solution. (Score:2)
Uh, this is obviously a case of monkeys encroaching on peoples land, I don't know why everything has to be our fault all the time. I know that in the US farmers would use shotguns to solve this kind of problem (regardless of the legality), I think a similar approach could work in Kenya.
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Re:I think there's a simple solution. (Score:5, Informative)
For small, fast moving critters like monkeys I would use bird shot. It would be hard to hit them with a bullet.
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WWTHAD? (Score:5, Funny)
First, to travel a long distance with B.A. by plane, he'd have to be tricked into taking a sedative, then loaded onto the plane.
Hannibal and Face would be too busy sexually harrasing the women themselves to get serious for a while. Murdoc would 'get to know the enemy' by joining the monkeys, while B.A. would be pissed about getting tricked again.
Inspired by the earlier drugging of B.A., Hannibal would come up with the plan to have Murdoc sleeping drug the monkeys while B.A. and Face Montage-Weld a specialized monkey-scooper truck, to load them on the plane. As they leave they drop the monkeys into the compound of the military dictator.
(maybe I shouldn't port at 2 am)
Insane Laws (Score:2)
This law needs to be updated to stipulate that defending your food supply from the monkeys warrants their harm or death. Then these women need to be supplied with baseball catcher's masks, leather armor, and a can of whoop-ass.
Nobody dominates mankind. Add monkey meat to your diet.
linky (Score:4, Informative)
"It's funny. Laugh". Assholes (Score:5, Insightful)
But they're only black African savages, so it's "funny".
Source, source, where are thou... (Score:5, Insightful)
It would have been better if the article linked to that, rather than to some, at least to me, rather obscure blogger.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6959209.stm [bbc.co.uk]
More than the average number of arms? (Score:5, Funny)
So by my count that's two (2) hands to grab breasts, one (1) hand to gesture and one (1) hand to point at the privates. Total four (4) hands per monkey. Do these magical monkeys fly too?
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And maybe you could by the food from china and kill them that way. At least then you could blame it on the Chinese and hope you don't get punished for it.
Dress up as king kong gorrila suit (Score:2)
Or give them a few bananas laced with LCD.
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I still think it's easier to go old school and kill a few to show 'em who's still the bad
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ffs each western country has zillions of methods with their local police forces for subduing even peaceful protesters. let u.n. work something out.
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"let u.n. work something out."
Yeah right and in
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ill answer for you - you DO NOT. therefore the bastardized "they are hungry for god's sakes" song you are singing out of your cozy
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Facts are hard.
More than half of the vetoes in the history of the UN Security Council have been cast by the pre-fall Soviet Union.
The majority of the vetoes cast by the US have been against resolutions condemning Israel in matters of self-defense.
-l
Spurious Logic. . . (Score:2)
I don't think there is any reason to say that people are "more advanced" than monkeys. I mean, it's not like they're version 1.0 and we're version 1.1 or some shit. They simply fill a different ecological niche.
I also don't see any reason to say that we have higher intelligence. Maybe we have higher intelligence by human standards, but they no doubt have higher intelligence by monkey standards.
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I don't shit in my own hand then eat it. Yes, I am better then a monkey. Clearly you have assessed your own intelligence and found it to be less then a monkey, that's the only conclusion i can draw from your post.
I only dumb thing the people are doing in this whole situation, is taking crap from a stupid monkey.
Re:Spurious Logic. . . (Score:5, Insightful)
check out the evolution process.
when you dig around, you will see that its not being tougher or stronger or more aggressive that propels some species into higher evolutionary stages, but cooperation, mutually beneficial acts WITHIN the social structure of the species and with the other species. lets now examine examples :
stellar example - humans. the evolution of humans have gone parallel to their capacity of being cooperative within the specie or even the social unit, and therefore besting out dangers and dire situations. caring for the weak, protecting the infant, nurturing the needy were the strengths that allowed the early primate societies to be able to go into playing with this and that and come up with tools that were eventually to be used in survival.
lets get it further - humans have established mutually beneficial relations with many other species and caused both parties to thrive - wheat might be one of the most abundant plant specie on the face of the earth, and this is solely due to human dependence on them. same goes for cattle. they are protected, and they give out something in return. there are kinks to work out as to the degree of mutually beneficialness because we slaughter the cattle in parts of the relationship, but as with recent human history this will be evolving into a more mutually benefical relationship too.
taking human near history - in the last 2000 years, wars and aggressive acts have decreased in FREQUENCY and distribution to geography - compared to what it was before and after a brief stellar period during rome, you do not have any chance of a local raider living 100 km to you to come raid you, rape your wife and take your child as slave. therefore in the last 2000 years we have seen an increasingly consistent level of civilizational development. again, excluding rome, which is a real anomaly in regard to history - in that the modern concepts we still use are taken from rome, from the concept of apartment to modern law, and even medicine in parts.
you can increase examples just as you wish - there are seemingly weak fish and lobster species in the ocean that live together, one is acting as sentry and other is digging the hole both will live in. they never go further from each other than 10 cm. yet, in an ocean of many dangers, these two species best out many other species and thrive despite when compared to other species as a single unit, they should be long extinct. or the jellyfish - bacteria mutualism in southeastern asia.
therefore, it is conclusive that the acts which mutually benefit a specie and the other continually elevates the chances of both species. from this comes the conclusion that "we are further advanced since we need to find a less aggressive, more beneficial way". acting otherwise have brought many problems to the modern world, that are making the worldwide news today.
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apex of evolution need not and should not be being on top of food chain. apex of evolution would be to be the governing body of a living, breathing, entirely integrated ecosphere of mutual relationships - no species grinding each other down by killing, yet every specie using byproduct of one or more species' activities. that would eliminate the instinct/gene to breed rapidly in many species too, like rabbits. is this possible ? yes. e
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Given the artificial constraint that the women can't just carry a small caliber rifle with them, and the government is not willing to relocate the animals I only see one solution. Relocate the humans. If the monkeys cannot coexist peacefully with the local human population, then one or the other must go. In most cases the huma
Re:New behavior? Mimicing humans is well observed. (Score:4, Insightful)
right, didn't think so.
Re:New behavior? Mimicing humans is well observed. (Score:5, Insightful)
More to the point, if pandas start to steal food from humans (yes, I know they wouldn't, it is just an example), we wouldn't wipe them out as a 'pest'. You have to take into account the fact that pandas are critically endangered. That said, I believe vervet monkeys are far less endangered than pandas, so it might make sense to allow some reasonable action against them.
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A raiding party clearly needs to be made example of (harmed preferrably, but face it, it's Africa, they're getting killed.) So that the monkies return to a sustainable natural gathering method that would allow them to function smoothly and avoid attracting human ire in the long run. Failing the luxury of such a solution, the other viable alternative is moving the clan of monkeys entirely.
a raiding party is their sustainable natural gathering method. if you make them give up that, then you will be eradicating them. and, even if you kill half of a raiding party, in 1-2 generations, which wont be 1-2 years, they will have forgotten it.
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You try that at work and see what happens...
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How on earth you make a link between corperations and road side gangs stealing food is a theory i truly need to hear for my own amusment.
lastly, i'd like to point out that it's YOU that's the insensitive one. how the fuck can you sit there and propose
New solutions. (Score:2)
Shoot the monkeys, well you already said this one is out, and so does the local government.
Shoot the villagers, this would take care of the habitat encroachment/enivronmental damage problems or at least a minimum all the bitching and whining. Though on a down note the monkeys might go hungry till they figure out how to forage again or conduct sustainable eco-friendly agriculture.
Outsmart the monkeys, but it looks like this particular village has brought the prove
Re:Family Guy warned us (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Family Guy warned us (Score:5, Funny)
It's the ones that have come out of the closet that wouldn't.