Star Trek Fragrances

An anonymous reader writes "I am a trek fan and excited about the new movie, but this is too much. From the Trek Movie Article: 'Genki Wear, known for its licensed science fiction jewelry and perfumes, has produced what might be the most unusual Star Trek product ever: Star Trek colognes and perfume based on the original 1960s television show. ... There are three fragrances planned for 2009 with the monikers 'Tiberius," "Red Shirt" and "Ponn Farr."'" Are they telling us we stink?

At Least It's Humorous

[eldavojohn]

*squirts some "Red Shirt" cologne on himself*

You smell that? That's ambergris [wikipedia.org] from the original humpback whales they used in Star Trek IV:The Voyage Home [wikipedia.org].

I will admit, though I hate the idea, at least the "Red Shirt" has some humor to it--the box has "Red Shirt: Because tomorrow may never come" on it. And the article subtitles the picture with "Live every day as if it could be your last, with 'Red Shirt' cologne." The hilarious marketing slogans basically write themselves though:

• Be the first to investigate a hostile planet--and smell good doing it with Red Shirt cologne!
• Let that blood sucking vampire cloud know how you roll with the wafting fragrance of Rid Shirt cologne!
• Go out in style with the scent of Red Shirt cologne!
• If they don't remember your name, at least they'll remember how you smelled--like Red Shirt cologne.
• etc.

Re:At Least It's Humorous

[TTURabble]

Be the first to get shot down in flames with Red Shirt cologne!

At the Bar:
Tiberius: Look at those women, my...god, I'll...need a...wingman. Red Shirt, accompany my away team.
Red Shirt: Aw Crap.

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[account_deleted]

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Re:At Least It's Humorous

[Kozz]

Oh, sure. Leave out TJ Hooker.

Re:

[greg1104]

Duh, because Hooker had that obvious car hood humping fetish; what did he need women for?

Dragon*Con

[gabec]

holy crap... they're really making pon farr?

Dragon*Con lampooned this a couple years ago in one of their fauxmercials at the con:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mboR7Y3pFUg [youtube.com]

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[ring-eldest]

That's what the transporter is for. Beam her up, Scotty. Leave the dress.

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[sunami88]

Eau de la Vag Vert!

Why was that the first place my mind went? I can picture the ad campaign now, "Is your man a Star Trek nerd? Has he always wanted to boldly go where no man has gone before? To seek out new life, and fuck it? Well now he can experience all the extraterrestrial aromas with *dramatic pause*, Eau de la Vag Vert!"

Maybe I should seek professional help. Anyone got Deanna Troi's number? :P.

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[InsertWittyNameHere]

If you're going to boldly go where no man has gone before, you wanna smell like it.

Re:At Least It's Humorous

[PrescriptionWarning]

Be the first to get Snu-Snu'd to death by large amazonian planet women due to smelling of Red Shirt cologne!

red shirt-

[way2trivial]

for when you really expect to get shot down

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[morgan_greywolf]

*squirts some "Red Shirt" cologne on himself*

Here, let my try some of that.

spray

Hmmm...smells pretty g

Re:

[mweather]

Precious ambergris? I thought I smelled porpoise hork.

Further suggestions to the marketing...

[denzacar]

Tiberius - For a man who wants to rule the Universe

Red Shirt - For those that will NOT return from the away mission

Pon Farr - For those that believe the AXE commercials

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[BrokenHalo]

at least they'll remember how you smelled--like Red Shirt cologne.

Well, I guess that might be better than smelling like a Klingon... :-)

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[HTH NE1]

Let that blood sucking vampire cloud know how you roll with the wafting fragrance of Red Shirt cologne!

Too bad the name Obsession is taken, as it could be a sickly sweet smell like honey.

Eau de Janeway drives me crazy

[BadAnalogyGuy]

You fanbois can keep your Jolene Blalock and Jeri Ryan.

Give me Kate Mulgrew any day. I'd pilot my shuttle into her delta quadrant any day.

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[account_deleted]

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Re:Eau de Janeway drives me crazy

[drewvr6]

That used to be called "sultry" in B.P.C. (Before Political Correctness). Of course smoking used to be cool in movies. Now organizations count the number of light-ups in each film. "Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the cough.".

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[account_deleted]

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[rich3rd]

Bringing this back on-topic, I feel exactly the same way about perfume. All I want is to breathe clean air, but every time I go out in public some asshole has to ruin it for me. What the fuck makes people think they have the right to pollute my personal airspace with that obnoxious garbage? Every time some Axe-boy walks past and fills my nostrils with the reek of synthetic male puberty pheromones I have to stifle a very strong primal urge to snap their scrawny neck like a toothpick. When I finally do cr

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[JCSoRocks]

Watch out for the wormhole! I hear it's a rough ride...

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[Haoie]

Lace: The Final Brassiere?

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[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

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[courtjester801]

What's wrong about fantasizing about your grandmother? I like it when her teeth go in the jar. :-/

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[lukas84]

Depends. Do you have pictures of his sister?

Ponn Farr..

[bossanovalithium]

Because once every seven years means you have to smell as good as you possibly can before embarking upon a hormone filled sexual conquest fest. Might not stand up in court...

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[Chrisq]

Sound too much like "pong fart" to me

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[c6gunner]

You mean "poon fart"?

For those days when you want to smell like a queef ...

Orion slave girls

[WidescreenFreak]

Hey, whatever gets me some hot Orion slave girls works for me, particularly this Dabo girl turned Orion slave girl [startrekofgodsandmen.com].

Re:

[commodore64_love]

Wow. If Miss Masterson's costume was cut any looser, you'd need to yank that episode off the air, and move it to HBO. (Now there's an idea.)

Re:

[WidescreenFreak]

That's a great "fan" movie as well. (Actually, it's directed by Tim Russ and has a ton of Star Trek actors in it from all of the series.) And I love your handle. There aren't many people around anymore who understand "POKE 53280,0". :)

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[pragma_x]

READY.
SYS 64738

Apparently Mudd wasn't involved

[JustNilt]

Seeing as there's no Venus Drug listed there. I mean, come ON! That'd sell like commuicator replicas at a convention.

Ponn Farr.

[commodore64_love]

Give me some of the Ponn Farr perfume, so I can squirt it on female classmates. Maybe I can finally get laid.

(ducks a spitball)

Fine Print

[camperdave]

Give me some of the Ponn Farr perfume, so I can squirt it on female classmates.

Fine print on the label:

WARNING: Will take seven years to have desired effect.

Re:

[th0mas_g]

Unfortunately, all it does is make you go crazy and throw soup bowls at your sympathetic nurse.

Re:

[WidescreenFreak]

But then if they issue a challenge, you'll have to fight their champion to the death. And if they they decide to use the captain of the football team... well, you might want to rethink that.

Species?

[Midnight Thunder]

I we sure these are designed to attract the female of the human species?

Re:

[WidescreenFreak]

Even if it would attract non-human females, would that necessarily be a bad thing? For example, it be so bad to attract her [startrekofgodsandmen.com], her [imageshack.us], her [just-whatever.com], her [no-ip.org], or her [wordpress.com], to name but a few?

Learn to expand you horizons, man!

Re:

[adisakp]

Alien Sex is Danger Sex. [videosift.com]

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[ReiDragon]

Jack harkness? Is that you?

How they smell, plus one more

[davidwr]

"Tiberius" - the smell of a soldier who wants to attract the ladies

"Red Shirt" - the smell of a soldier after a barroom brawl over the affections of a lady

"Ponn Farr" - the smell of the soldier who won said brawl, after retiring to a private room with the women he was fighting over

"Cold Shower" - the smell of the soldier after the lady walks out on him when she realizes she's fallen for a brute

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[phil reed]

"Tiberius" - Like Axe, but only attracts green-skinned babes.
"Red Shirt" - You end up dead before the evening is done.
"Ponn Farr" - Smell like a rutting Vulcan.

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[genner]

"Ponn Farr" - Smell like a rutting Vulcan.

Finally, I always wanted to use the line "Hey baby you smell like a rutting Vulcan".

How about Kobayashi Maru

[Anonymous Coward]

How about Kobayashi Maru
Its a blend of Deer Musk and Skunk.

Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs

[sesshomaru]

Actually, Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs [blackphoen...emylab.com] has been doing this kind of stuff for years. Check out Picnic in Arkham [blackphoen...emylab.com] and the The Neil Gaiman Collection [blackphoen...emylab.com] among others....

I don't know about you, but I've always wanted to smell like Herbert West! (or a Shoggoth!)

I wonder

[TheP4st]

Will it help me "assimilating" Seven of Nine?

Re:I wonder

[Anonymous Coward]

Looking for an opportunity to use your nanoprobe?

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[MiniMike]

No, using this you will never get better than 3 of 10.

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[drewvr6]

Still, better than my 1 of 100 average.

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[DarthVain]

Come on, "Eau de 7 of 9" perfume!

Because, "Resistance IS futile..."

Re:

[DarthVain]

even better name... Chanel No. 7 of 9

lol, this shit writes itself!

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[DarthVain]

or simply "Borg" with fancy umlauts over the "o" to make it seem European.

As Checkov Would Say

[Slightly Askew]

Are they telling us we stink?

Perhaps you have heard Russian epic of Cinderella? If shoe fits, wear it!

Geeks are reknowned for their bathing abilities...

[VShael]

And their showering frequency.

Why every morning, the average Trek geek steps into his shower, hums the Trek theme loudly for 60 seconds, and calls that a sonic shower.

Water hardly ever comes into it.

Am I the only one ...

[Sepiraph]

that associated the name 'Ponn Farr' with 'Porn Fan'???

Re:

[owlnation]

that associated the name 'Ponn Farr' with 'Porn Fan'???

The first thing that came to my mind, it being a perfume, was "PONG FART".

Yeah, I've never buying that. EVER.

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[bFusion]

Actually, the first thing I read when I saw "Ponn Farr" was "Porn Star" ... so I thought that things were getting a bit off base right there.

How about Umbrella company?

[cdpage]

this has been done. I'd like to see a cosmetic company release a product line under the umbrella company name.

Now that would be fun to market.

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[bsiegel]

this has been done. I'd like to see a cosmetic company release a product line under the umbrella company name. Now that would be fun to market.

Already been done: http://www.prnewswire.com/mnr/olay/29771/images/29771-hi-Olay_Eye_Definity.jpg [prnewswire.com] I can't believe no one at Olay has seen a Resident Evil movie... Oh wait, maybe I can.

They call it Ponn Farr

[FlyingSquidStudios]

but it smells like Horta with just a touch of Targh...

How About "Orion?"

[aquatone282]

Because whatever it is those green alien chicks [wikipedia.org] of Orion wear, it sure excites my pleasure receptors!

Red Shirt

[RevWaldo]

Le Nez - And here's our latest mixture for Red Shirt. Have a whif and tell me what you pick up on.
Marketing Exec - Let's see.. - burning flesh and polyester?
L - Quite right. And?
M - Cold sweat.
L - Anything else?
M - I'm thinking..a hint of self-defecation?
L - Excellent! We also included some sagebrush to give it that "stuck on a barren desert planet" air.

Way to miss your market...

[fooslacker]

Read about the theory of constraints in manufacturing you have to address the big issue first for the little issues to make a difference. Cheap cologne on top of funk just smells like cheap cologne on top of funk.

What they need is Trek SOAP. Preferably in the shape of various Trek heroines and female villains. Then the fanboys might actually use it.

THIS SHOULD ONLY BE DONE IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME, SLASHDOTTERS!!! (there is significant overlap in the Trek and /. markets...thought I should is

Re:

[snspdaarf]

What they need is Trek SOAP. Preferably in the shape of various Trek heroines and female villains. Then the fanboys might actually use it.

Yeah, but not the way it should be used....

Vulcan One-Night Stand

[Enderandrew]

Ponn-Farr and Away

Missing option:

[Junior J. Junior III]

I want Khan musk.

Re:

[Anonymous Coward]

Now, you too, can enjoy the scent of confidence, strength, and Corinthian leather everyday. Khan musk.

Star Wars colognes are next...

[agorist_apostle]

...with such scents as "Dagobah Evenings," "Cantina Musk," and "Allure of the Dark Side"...

Re:

[snspdaarf]

What about essence of burnt jawa, to keep the deer and rabbits out of the garden?

Ok, it's not cologne, but people by fox urine and stink bait, and they're not cologne either (for most people).

Been done already

[FnordX]

DragonCon TV made that joke way back in 2005

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mboR7Y3pFUg [youtube.com]

if your ever attend a scifi-con or comic-con

[peter303]

You will see any kind of fanatic product.

Unfortunately you the fan frangrance too - pudgy, sweating, teenage males who dont groom often enough.

Trek fan and the new move.

[stry_cat]

I am a trek fan and excited about the new movie

Not possible. The phrase before the conjunction is contradicted by the phrase after the conjunction.

Either you're a trek fan and your horrified by the new movie. Or you're not a trek fan and are excited about the new movie.

Movie merchandising

[theredshoes]

It is because the movie is coming out soon, they need to capitalize and start the momentum of selling and promoting, blah, blah, blah. This one actually has some decent starring actors in it like Eric Bana. I think that might be the only reason I am going to see the movie, honestly.

I thought the Red Shirt cologne was funny! They have fragrances for everything now, even colleges are putting out scents. I maybe would buy one it smelled nice, because I am a sucker for perfume. I am actually kind of cur

Re:

[tekrat]

they probably should have come out with a line of hypoallergenic mild soaps
----

Don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows Star Trek fans don't use soap.

Re:

[Vegeta99]

I am actually kind of curious as to see what my school's perfume smells like, probably grilled cinnamon stickies and ice cream, well I am hoping it would smell something like that!

Just where do you go to school at?

Love it!

[d0n0vAn]

What's that smell? What the hell is THAT smell? We'll, I'll tell you, it's Uhura.

Sweet

[cdpage]

DAMN! and they don't use resident evil as a marketing angle?

what's wrong with them?

I'd like to give T'pol some Ponn Far

[NoBozo99]

Then we can meld more than minds!

All have that unmistakable hint of ....

[PPH]

...your parents basement.

A James Tiberius Kirk fragrance?

[Locke2005]

Is that targeted at starship captains that frequently date outside their species? 'Cause that seems like a pretty small market segment!

Paramount views Star Trek as a money mint...

[tlhIngan]

Star Trek lately has all been about the money, so I'm not terribly surprised. Especially since Star Trek is a wholly-owned property of Paramount. After all, why does everyone seem to have a different Starfleet "uniform" even though they're practically in the same time period? Or how even one series can change uniforms. It gets fans to buy more licensed goods.

Anyhow... any good fan would know what my /. userid means... so they need these fragrances:

"Scent of a Klingon" (useful to get some spare cubes around

I'll Wait

[b4upoo]

I'll wait for scent of 7 of 9 to come out!

eau de toilette of Ohura?

[tyrione]

I can't be the only one who thought of this.

Pon Farr perfume for the ladies? I'm so there!

[Jurisenpai]

I'm female. I'm a Trekkie. I like perfume.

I know what I'm getting for my birthday this year!

Brilliant marketing! Men are lousing at getting presents for their wives and girlfriends. A gift of the "pon farr" scent not only says, "I love you" but also "I will go through a hormonal frenzy in order to make love to you". Sounds pretty awesome to me.

I would also recommend packaging the scent with a DVD of TOS "Amok Time" and VOY "Blood Fever" to get her in the mood for logical lovin'.

But only once per seven years

[SmallFurryCreature]

Lets face it, isn't Pon Farr really saying "I will only have sex with you or any woman if my body chemistry makes me choose between sex and death and even then it is a close call".

And women suck at buying presents at well. I always get soap and socks. Why? A bar easily lasts a year or two and I still got socks that bend.

Re:

[popeye44]

Umm, two words, Tribble Pheronomes.

Yea, you stink

[The Moof]

Are they telling us we stink?

Have you ever been to a convention? I haven't, but if word of how bad hygiene is at these things gets out to someone who never has gone (and has no intention of ever going to one, ie, me), it might be a sign.

Eau de Shahna, Kirk's "Drill Thrall" . . .

[PolygamousRanchKid]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gamesters_of_Triskelion

Each bottle comes with a tinfoil bikini and a giant can opener for your wife or girlfriend, and Kirk's "Training Harness" for yourself.

Send the kids to relative for the weekend, and recreate the infamous battle between the Thralls and the Newcomers in your very own bedroom.

Invite the neighbors to come over and watch and place bets with quatloos.

stink?

[roc97007]

> Are they telling us we stink?

Geeks with poor personal habits. Who woulda thunkit.

I can see how this went...

[that IT girl]

Clearly, someone was tired of standing around at sci-fi conventions where everybody smells. They might not shower, they might not buy regular cologne, but they'll buy STAR TREK COLOGNE! :D

Genius. Especially since people will undoubtedly want to "collect the whole set" (granted there are only two at the moment). PROFIT!

Re:

[that IT girl]

Thanks ;) I know, but it's a little more clear this way.

Mixed news

[greg1104]

It's good that someone is finally selling a product specifically targeted at female Star Trek fans.

Unfortunately, it seems the first obvious need they found in that demographic was for something to improve their smell.

Ladies

[Timberwolf0122]

Please set your faces to stunned!

Pon Farr...

[Genda]

OH MY GAWD!!! That's just what I need... to be stranded in the delta quadrant with a horny vulcan humping my leg like an over sexxed retriever! I think not!

What no Klingon Parfumme???

[Genda]

That's just speciesist!!! Parmaq, by Kelvin Klein, A little blood wine and bad poetry... then BAM!!! Spank it like a Targ!

There, I fixed it for you...

[denzacar]

Excuse me... Excuse me... I just wanted to ask a question. What does a Trekkie need with a cologne?

Re:

[khellendros1984]

Bring the bottle closer!

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[Walpurgiss]

Oblig. Link: http://www.sex-panther.com/thescience.html [sex-panther.com]